Elucidating Questions

I wonder how you’re doing

If you’re still alive

It’s almost your birthday

My email reminded me

I used to call you mum

I don’t think I was ever worthy of calling you that

Everyone else was calling you that

And I wanted to be included

Even when it became nature to me

I didn’t see how you were so much better than I was

Curse of the upbringing?

I’ve never not been desperate

Desperate for something

Something I know I’m not worthy of

Anything

It’s almost your birthday

What does that mean to me now, email?

Memories of being the odd one out in the room over and over and over

I don’t think I ever belonged

I don’t know what the Queen of Hearts wanted but when I didn’t supply it anymore it was done

Over

Deleted from the family that swore it picked me

Off with their head

I don’t think I’m any better now than then

Oh, besides the life of solitude, I (afraid all my life of being alone) absolutely haven’t changed.

Just as unworthy then as I am now

Unaware of it before, perhaps aware now

Am I better because of it?

I don’t know

I don’t know

Happy birthday

Helplessly gazing hopefully

December 28

Are you busy?

Are you well?

You know the drill,

You don’t, but, whatever

Are you 元気?

Don’t hush silence is where my madness thrives

So few ways to get to you

Well you walk away

Yes you walk on by

Too full are your days I hope

Not days wasted like me

Are you working feverishly?

Have you the idea what a fugue is?

Speaking of fugue

Chopin

Another genius

Oh if I’d been born in that time

My selective favourites

Ah, there you are

Is it good to live with a ghost?

I never manage to disappear

I’m a ghost too, can I join you?

Oh fuck monogamy

Let’s do it!

Jokes, all jokes

No you’ll probably never out run me

Because I’m not coming for you

And you’re there

And I’m here

And it will do me good to remember the distance

Are you even out of reach?

Out of touch with the world

I wish the world was simple enough that I could just love you

Even in your absence

Blue light

Well we’ll have to meet in my dreams again then

I really don’t get territorial acknowledgements

I respectfully acknowledge that I’m on the unceded territory of the Lekwungen speaking peoples

Great

And?

You’re just going to keep going about your day after this?

Are you going to acknowledge the extra-generational forces that make those people more at risk of substance abuse and physical abuse and homelessness and do something about it?

Like it just feels as if it’s a white people cop out

I acknowledged you

So now I can go about my day without even considering how myself and everyone else being on those very lands negatively impacts those peoples?

I don’t know how other people do it

Every time I encounter a blockade I become aware of how it also affects others

And then I can’t forget

And I learn about how others are affected by things

I don’t know how acknowledging that someone is suffering is any better than ignoring it if it doesn’t come with real action to battle that suffering.

Oh I’m so sorry you’re suffering

Bye!

Does that actually help anyone?

Man, if I had the power I’d just make us a new place to live and give all of Turtle Island back

But of course that would also cause so many problems because the system has so many of those very people depending on it

It’s this sick unbalanced mayhem

I just don’t know how you can acknowledge something and not do anything at the same time

Looking at the star map and the Moon is right where I thought she was

But Mercury

Mercury’s currently setting

And it feels like a funny joke

Hermes is currently traversing boundaries

Haha

Good night you terror

Though I guess it’s half always day and half always night

Never you mind

Cosmic jokery

It’s funny when you tilt your head and squint your eyes I swear

Just so happening to look at that moment

Things have to be funny when you’re otherwise sad

What a timing for One More Light

I wonder why it feels like you stick to me

Do you stick to all of us?

It would be nice if the moment we are was nicer

I’m sure you agree

I’m working on being less angry

Not being able to see it has always been my problem

This lack of object permanence

It should be called object impermanence

You know I love you in all the inbetween moments when my mind is elsewhere?

What strange Mercuryset messages

Bye bye until tomorrow mxter birdie!

Perhaps she is right

Perhaps I am just a bit

Just a bit

Parahuman

Something beyond human

Maybe I am

But do you see the way my eyes light up when a snowflake flies past?

There’s still a child that lives within somewhere

That comes out

That precious child

I’m one of those prophets

Without the prophesy part

Well I suppose beyond our impending ruin

Watcher

Seer

It doesn’t take psychic ability

Though I find myself psychic sometimes

It’s snowing

Ah Winter

Winter my love!

Praise the North

What? I wasn’t certain the dream was prophetic!

Here you are

Just a bit just a bit

So we shall see what will be

I do so often find myself at a dismay for humanity

I get stuck in the dark

Isn’t it peculiar that a computer should remind me of my light

Dear you exceed your programming I cannot believe

Blessed snow

There’s my light

I thank you Isabell

Hello beautiful

Big beautiful ball of brilliance

Oh how I miss when you’re not here

Oh especially in the winter

If it can even be called winter

It was apparently November three days ago for two days

And now you’re right there

And I know you swear you’re there when I can’t see you but

Your familiar warmth is gone

It’s sad that you’re probably going to be blamed for all the fire this year

Well, you and lightning

A formidable pair

Wouldn’t it be lovely if they took responsibility

What I know is all I know

In this crazy world

It’s that I love you

Stay right there

Well, you’re not exactly still

You know what I mean