Elucidating Questions

Crazy you say?

Crazy?

And you haven’t even seen the mausoleum

Look at that fucking word

I want to know who invented it

And fire them out of a cannon

Into the Sun

If I wasn’t capable of whatever the fuck I’ve been doing

Existing in limbo mostly

And, yeah, at this rate I’m gonna

Sometimes I catch myself thinking

But I’m much more capable of recognising things when they come around again

Once they come around again

Coming on quiet?

The sadness looms and I turn and it is there

And as soon as I see it it is me

It’s me

Something

Something

Exist in sadness for a bit

Snap back

Breach that surface

Take a breath

Will it to be the life preserver

Fucking whirlpools

Fucking Sea of Sadness

Okay

It’s a few more days

Just keep swimming

Keeping on

It’s not very bright Chester people don’t even see it

They wouldn’t notice if it went out

Someone be my someway out of this place

頑張ってing in insanity but it’s okay

Really

Don’t mind the mind’s mind

Keep to the left

And count to three

Hey you

You on the other side you

You watching me through your fingers you

It’s hard to take heart when the heart is broken

Isn’t it a wonder it’s not you coming to me in my dreams

Watching one

Dear one

One who says they are someone I will never truly trust

But taking his face

I’ve looked pained so long it’s permanently written on mine

Somehow

何と無くね？

Always, something like that

I go down

Oh damn do I go down

I often feel you’re one of the reasons I stay

Keep getting up

Spirit

Something

All these complex emotions folding into eachother

I was promised nothing

Yet I dared dream

Too big

I am naught but some accidentally alive solid(?)

Thing

And I go up to the Universe

And then back down to Earth

There is so much in this space

Everything in my life brought me nowhere

But I have this moment

Sol setting

Ish

Oh you argue do you?

Sol hanging out over there in such a place that we have come to sit together

A day, had

At least that

One more light

And all of it

Ears that can’t quite hear everything

That can also hear everything

No I can’t understand what you just said,

But in twenty minutes I’m going to hear someone say

From across the store

Let’s get in line

I would like to hear

Something

Something other than buses and the tone but not the content of every conversation

Yes and no

Lost at once, why not?

Does he reach me?

Why does reaching me feel like the end?

Why would that be my fate?

I ask plainly, the little ladies with the thread

I defy it

Don’t you forget about who though?

Me

Okay “Me”

I wonder why it’s always mysteries and unanswered questions

Three

All my hims are in fact pieces of shit who would never get anything done unless basically forced to

Passions not withstanding

I wouldn’t mind a lovely lady

Really I’d just like a someone

Their whoseits and whatsits don’t really matter

It’s the heart

If there is a being on this Earth who can put up with me

Can we cross paths meaningfully please?

I wouldn’t mind some cats

I don’t mind becoming a person who lives with cats and is crazy

Do you hear it?

My soul screaming as we return to that place

That is my home

That I cannot escape from

Alas I

Do not have a tune to look to

It doesn’t sparkle does it?

Doesn’t even shine

I wish I could burn bright

Bright enough to be seen

All those lights I’ll never see

Murder of crow

Take two

Caw caw

Sol came out after all

After all

Murder of crow part two

Take two?

If there ever really was a mission it was to make sure he lives like me

Live

You’re the one out of the two of us that can

Another day

People’s faces scare me

I think people in general just scare me

What a person to be forced into the customer service role

5000 days

It feels like it never ends

2000 odd poems

Letters

Endless Love letters

Well that was an interesting thing to add to that sentence

Sure, endless love letters

To the planet?

To humanity?

Even my anger is streaked with this useless hope

Love, if all love could truly combine

Wouldn’t a Universe be born?

To meet him

I still remember how my heart felt when I thought

If I could go back to that moment, myself

Pat my poor tired head and just say

No

That is not the way the story goes

Dear Author

You sadist

You never thought about the lives of the inbetweens

Red cammo car

Rap music

Let’s play

Yup it’s a light skinned boy

What a shock

Not

Tomorrow, huh?

Do I write you a birthday message? Or write about the place we should all be thinking of instead

見る分けではないでしょ

書く意味何てないでしょ

Either way though

Really

That poor strip of land and all its inhabitants

My tone of voice doesn’t match

What I want to sound like

One more quiet night at home

One more sugar crash

One more day of no one messaging me

Because I don’t message first

These oceans

These oceans of despair

Pulled a try too hard

Don’t we always

I am despair embodied

That my foot prints will never be big enough to do anything

Washed away by the tides

Someday

Maybe it will be afterwards

Maybe it will be after I meet him

Which him

That him or that him

I dunno, one of them has to exist

Right?

Or I could just have a collection of hims

I’ll take some

You wouldn’t let me have even one in real life so maybe in the after life you’ll forgive me for whatever I did and finally let me love someone

It all looks so manufactured

Those little soldiers

Building a pretend paradise that will only end up benefiting the rich

A gargoyle where they plan to build more apartment buildings

Let’s just get rid of houses

The poor can live in boxes

Poor boxes

Sorry

Apartments

What I wouldn’t give for a melody right now

Sol

Will anything good come of it?

All of this

Curses

Curse the me that slept through when I was supposed to charge my headphones

Though somewhere I’d like for there to be a me that doesn’t feel the need to disappear

You should come back to this place

I wish you would

Mixed up Picasso and Van Gogh

Eh

This poor brain has been doing that a lot lately

Rather both of them

Truly

I was imagining Starry Sky

It is after all my favourite painting

Can’t keep things straight

Not simple nouns

Not proper nouns

Can’t figure out words

My Japanese has suffered and I weep

Thank you Universe for correcting me

I just think I mixed up that painting

With that bandages

Or a hat

Whichever

I can’t remember words to songs I’ve known all my life

It feels like I’m slowly disintegrating

Pieces of my self dissolving into thin air

I make these mistakes and rather than laughing over it I am faced with the reality that I wouldn’t have made that mistake 10 years ago

I’m going to disappear before he notices me

This is like the world’s longest love song as a human evaporates

World’s longest something

Epic mistakes and all

But, then again

Everyone makes mistakes

Or something

It’s fine if mine are immortalised

They are, afterall, invisible

Invisible ink

Man, Sol, I thought you’d have my back today

The weather

My brain

General insanity

I’m slowly losing everything

I don’t want to disappear

Believe in your dreams

And other some such things

Do they know how crazy I’d have to be to believe in them?

Josh if my dreams hadn’t led me off the path would this have gone differently?

Into the bushes

Into all my hopes and dreams begging to come true

It’s not like I just dream all night about famous people

Josh and Miley

I wish I knew what my mind wants to tell me with their faces

I feel like I saw him last night

But I lost it

I want to go back to having epic adventures in my dreams that aren’t on repeat

But I think I got used to the day never ending

But always ending

Always gone

Maybe I lost it when I stopped believing in happy endings