Elucidating Questions

When people tell me to try harder it triggers a cascade

I remember how hard I tried to keep it together living alone

How health slowly slipped away from me along with things like maintaining the house, my social life, my mobility

How I was rewarded for years of trying so hard with illness, debt I can’t repay, isolation, and the people around me thinking I’m lazy and do nothing

Despite years of existence prior where I worked myself into societal death

And it all means nothing

I can’t get a job with my 17 years of customer service experience

17 years, most of which was spent working through days that left me unconscious, suffering emotionally, and in enormous amounts of pain

But it means nothing and I have achieved nothing

And I feel so disgusted with myself that other people’s success tastes bitter to me

That anyone else’s success is immediately compared to my own failure

I feel so lost that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to succeed

I feel so lost that I didn’t complete university and go off to become an English teacher living anywhere but here

I feel so lost that my Japanese goes unused and untested and unpractised

I feel lost that I remember crying my heart out upon the realisation that my someone to love may be years away and years later I don’t believe that someone exists

I feel so lost

I feel so heartbroken that my life is a physical representation of having tried so hard and got so far and in the end it doesn’t even matter

And what I build now?

This plushie horde?

This is my carrot

This is how I drag my ass with no prospects and no future through life

I can’t conceivably build anything else

Not a career

Not a love

Not a home

All these things I was told would define me as an adult

I feel so empty

I feel like I’m killing time until Time kills me

I want more

But I don’t feel worthy of more

My family is full of mean people

My family is also full of people who see me as as much of a failure as I see myself as

It feels pointless

And I don’t have a therapist anymore this is just me, by myself, with this overwhelming feeling of failure and insignificance and grief

I feel so heavy

I feel like every day is gone, meaningless

What is the point of improving myself in a world that only rewards evil people anyways?

When I don’t serve a purpose for anyone

I’m still applying for jobs

I have an interview on Monday for a job I probably shouldn’t do, but I don’t expect to get it

They’ll see the walker and balk like everyone else

How does one find hope when there is none?

The hospital isn’t going to find hope in me because it’s gone

Every time someone tells me to succeed better

I’m reminded how hard I tried to succeed and how little it mattered.

It feels like I’m being asked to suffer for no reason

I’ve watched everyone around me succeed in some way

Seen the reward of success

I try so hard just to stay awake most days

To continue my limited interaction with the world

No matter what drugs I take I’m still in pain

What does success feel like?

What is my potential?

I am haunted by these things

I walked out of a fire, burned

Even so I’m still trying to go back into the fire

It stays firmly out of reach like a mirage of a memory

I don’t know how to overcome this

I feel so trapped

Gods guide me

I have so many complicated feelings

About pushing myself