Elucidating Questions

To be evil

Nothing but a scourge on this Earth

To provide no use to anyone

To be truly useless

Just taking up space and spreading harm

I shouldn’t exist in these spaces but if I didn’t I wouldn’t speak to anyone

Four walls

My Dad

I guess I’d speak to one

And four walls

I shouldn’t be allowed to cause harm

I still sometimes think back to my confusion when I overdosed in the hospital

In the ambulance it started

I don’t know what I had been doing, I was shifting in and out of consciousness

I just remember the paramedic leaning over me and asking “why are you sorry? Why are you sorry?”

At the time, in my mind, I’d been apprehended for something

This thought evolved when I woke briefly while being rolled through the hospital on a stretcher

I thought I was the worst person on the planet

That “they” had finally found me and I was being taken away to be put into solitary confinement for the rest of my life

People think I have a victim complex

I don’t

I have a bad guy complex

The laws I’ve broken haven’t been even a sneeze in comparison to the things others on this planet have done but I feel like the worst person on Earth

I feel like I have no right to be here

Or sometimes like I do because existence is suffering and this is probably hell

Sometimes I feel conflicted telling people who are struggling that they deserve to be here

Because if it’s hell isn’t that cruel?

I feel like I can’t exist in any space

I’m never enough

I’m too much

I’m racist

Am I saying racist people deserve the death penalty if I believe that I don’t deserve to live because I’m racist?

I’ve been trying not to dwell on it because when I do I feel hopeless and evil

And you know? Other people may be able to handle harming everything in their lives but I can’t

So the only option is to avoid any group of people at all I guess

I piss off white people because I’m too progressive

And I piss off everyone else because I can’t fit in their perfect little boxes for how people should be

I’m flawed when I’m not allowed to be flawed but when I look around everyone else is flawed

And the fact that I can’t be a good person haunts me

I can’t be a good person so what’s the point?

I can’t be successful, have a family, have love, have friends, have my own home, a job, I can’t have medical care, I can’t have a good life

All that was left was to be a good person

But white people can’t be good people

Because racists aren’t good people

I feel trapped here

I can’t be anything here

I want to live on a planet where people don’t care if they’re different colours or if someone has a different culture or if someone has different religious beliefs because it doesn’t fucking matter and what matters is that we’re all happy, safe, and loved.

Culture is beautiful

All the shades people come in are beautiful

Religion is absolutely fucking disgusting but that’s because they were all so obsessed with what everyone else was worshipping instead of cultivating their own damn beliefs

It’s not enough

It’s never enough

Never good enough

It doesn’t matter if I openly embrace others

It will never change a racists mind and I will always be racist regardless

Why am I here?

To cause harm I don’t even mean to cause?

There’s no point

I don’t want to harm people by existing

I will never be at home on this planet