Elucidating Questions

There was a woman staring and laughing at me on the bus the other day

It could be any number of things

I wear a mask because I am immunocompromised

I have plushie keychains on my walker because having a walker at 33 was awful and they make it better

I have half my head shaved because I use that as my non-binary hair style

I don’t shave my legs because fuck that and I don’t want to end up unconscious in the shower

Tonnes of things about me scream “different”

And I tried so hard to ignore it even though she was making a huge show of it

But my alarm bells where going, I felt threatened

And something often happens on the bus

It’s amazing how people who are allegedly adults act like teenagers at school at any given moment

Something goes against their narrow world view and suddenly it’s something to ridicule

I carry plushies around at home

Sometimes I sit on the deck and vape with a plush under my arm

It started out as me being so starved for affection I needed it

Then I realised they calm my insane nervous system

And then I realised they’re fancy pillows and I can use them to cushion my outside chair’s armrest

Like it started with some desperation but they actually play a key role in my brain calming tf down and not getting bruises from leaning on myself or other things

But I’m unfortunately surrounded by other people and have a shared backyard and the stares

I think people put a lot more meaning in my plushies than I do

And the masking thing

People are just rude and I’m almost afraid to pull my mask out on the bus because people treat you differently when you wear one

Meanwhile I am just trying to protect myself from being knocked on my ass or worse just because I went outside

The antimaskers now think it’s appropriate to ask people why they’re wearing a mask

And I just feel scared

I feel scared of every interaction where someone is staring me down because I feel threatened

I don’t know what they’re capable of

And I know what other people in my life have been capable of.

I don’t know how to defeat anxiety

Every time I go out I feel unsafe

And I don’t know how other people just casually go about their day when murderers walk among us

I just can’t forget how dangerous people can be

Any of them at any moment

It’s hard enough living with other people who are my family

I hate thinking that living in isolation would be better than this, but people’s energy is just so frenetic these days it’s like everyone is one second from popping

I spent my entire childhood trying to stop explosions before they happened and now everyone is an explosion waiting to happen

Woe

Having enough trouble keeping my own explosion in check

I think people think that because I act differently I want attention when that can’t be further from the truth

I’m just not willing to compromise on stupid “adult rules” that go unspoken but protected like precious things

They’re mostly stupid, arbitrary crap that was created by the wealthy to trick the poor into accepting that life is dull and has no worth

I’m not going to conform with rules that don’t serve me

Simple as that

If other people breaking the rule could harm me in some way I’ll obviously follow it but stupid things like “plushies are for children” and “wearing a mask makes you a sheep/snowflake whatever”

That shit doesn’t serve me and reeks of propaganda

I do what I want

Selfish pacifist style