Elucidating Questions

I don’t want to hurt people

Like the thought of causing harm makes me want to isolate myself away from humanity

And learn how to photosynthesise

But there’s this anger in me

There’s this rage

And I don’t know if it’s a culmination of every time I held my tongue

Or if it’s a self defense mechanism from trauma

Both?

Any other number of variables I’m missing?

But it doesn’t matter

That anger is destructive

It hurts people I don’t mean to hurt

And I do so well hiding it, usually

Just like I hide everything else

Because people see a sliver of me and they recoil

I feel like The Beast

Like life has turned me into this gnarled, poisoned, beast

Even if I was pretty I’d have this monster inside of me

And I’m fighting it

Beings of wisdom

How do I feed the right beast?

How do I give power to the being inside of me that can overpower my own anger?

I have to love

A me that I see and feel nothing?

The silence you leave me when you’ve already answered and I’m being foolish and asking for answers I already have

Do the singing birds love themselves?

Are you certain?

Maybe it’s a different kind of love than I know

Such beautiful songs

I feel like if I was to sing a song from within it would be dark and sad

Even though the songs in my head are usually Jpop anime idol songs

I don’t know

Watch me dance around the answer and not with it

How?

Can’t say I’m trying

It’s so hard

So many people are telling me I’m not worthy of love

Why am I valid?

We all start innocent

Not guilty

But by virtue of the society we are in and the pressures each of us face we collect the harm we do to the world around us

I don’t want to do harm

So I have to forgive…

No

Accept what I’ve done and love myself anyways as a means of protection from a world that does not love me

Such a tall order

Man the things I have done

They’re not as bad as some of the things other people have done but I expect perfection from myself and hold myself to a higher standard than the world I live in

I guess maybe don’t do that

I’m quite broken

I’d like to be whole again

I’m afraid if I love myself I’ll think I can’t be wrong

But I’m tired of singing the same old song

It’s hard to do something from nothing

Without having a guide to explain

May there be a day my song looks more like I wanted it to

I’m going to try to say I want to learn instead of I don’t know how