Elucidating Questions

I’m so tired of being “better”

I want to tell these people I hope they choke on air

I want to tell them I hope they suffer worse than anyone they’ve ever invalidated or hurt

I want these people who sanctioned the deaths of thousands of people to go through every moment of despair they put anyone else through

I am tired of Justice and fairness and humanity

I want to be like them and let them know if they died I’d be dancing on their graves

I’m so sick of meeting them with humanity

I want to tell them they are just as much nothing people as anyone else

Not special

Not the main character

Just no one and nothing like everyone else

Propped up by Circumstance

I want to tell ableist people I hope they become more disabled than they could imagine and suffer every bit of ableism they excused or caused

I want to tell people who stalk trans people online that I hope they sink into a depression so bad they take their own lives so I can laugh at them

But it doesn’t help, does it?

The anger, the hate

The want to equalize with violence and suffering

It serves nothing and no one

Even if they are the ones who created the hate in me

I shouldn’t give them that much power

To create within me

But when the anger fizzles away

When I reclaim my insides and banish the fury to the darkest corners

Sadness is left

And disappointment

This world is so much worse than anything I could have imagined

Every day I learn, against my will, of some new depravity humanity cooked up

Throughout history and modern day

So much so that even with all my disgust I cannot be surprised by the awful things people do

How do I not come to hate them?

Knowing what these people I’m allegedly related to do

It only makes me feel less human

I don’t see myself in them

I don’t see myself in the behaviour or emotions of these creatures

I feel foreign

Alien

To these beings

Why are so many of them evil?

I wish I could rectify

This feeling of being an other

Why am I a watcher?

Why am I observing these strange people?

I wish this place was more simple

I wish that anger would fix the problem

How I wish he’d gotten in and taken a shot right through that fat ogre’s skull

Won’t someone take the poison from me

I may not quake the Earth

But I feel the tremors