Elucidating Questions

Nah, you know, this is just me again

This is just me seeing myself who was forced to apologise for everything under the Sun including being disabled

I wish I didn’t see myself

I wish I was separated from people

Now I apologise for everything

And people get mad at me for apologising

When they’ve done nothing but demand them from me

The amount of apologies I’ve given versus what I was owed is incredibly skewed

So if you cause harm, regardless of intentions, you’re a bad person

Regardless of ability

I hate being forced to apologise for things I can’t control

Being depressed is one of them

People always going on about how your disability affects them

Oh you poor so and so

I want to slice my arms off but you poor thing having to see I’m struggling that must be so hard

I’m so sorry I am depressed

I’m not what I’m supposed to be so I owe apologies

Except the world predetermined for me what I’m supposed to be

Involuntary

Still my fault right?

Constantly apologising for being disabled because I can’t do things

Sorry I’m so weak

Sorry I’m so tired

Sorry I’m so sad

Like the fault is mine

That’s apologising right?

Accepting fault

You accept that you’re a problem and try to fix it

How do you fix disability?

How do you do better?

Can you even fucking apologise for something you can’t improve?

Doesn’t that just make it empty apologies?

I was told not to make empty apologies

How do you apologise for something you can’t control?

I have been thinking about the insanity of making people say “excuse me” when they burp when it’s just something that every single animal with a gag reflex does

Blame, right?

It’s all about blaming people for their things

Tics, depression, chronic illness, using mobility devices

Sorry my wheelchair is in the way dude no one else who is standing in the way of anyone else is apologising

Apologising for taking space you need

Apologising for existing

Do you know how many times I have apologised for existing

Reactive trauma

Apologise for your disability really did it

And someone said apologising isn’t shame

What is it then?

You all group up and demand apologies

My sister would full on hit me, I’d swat back, and have to apologise while she said nothing

She broke my fucking wrist and never had to apologise

People loom and demand it like a fucking mantra

Apologise, just apologise, say it like you mean it, apologise for real, no that apology wasn’t good enough, I want a better apology

That’s not shame?

Fuck this world full of people, who should be apologising daily for allowing this society to continue, demanding apologies from disabled people for things they can’t control

Instead of seeing this as a moment where we consider that our society poisoned people with terrible words and statements

I’ve heard some pretty gnarly things from the mouths of people with Tourette’s

We should be studying why our society is so nasty that these words, phrases, and statements just permeate the air

Why they exist so freely that minds can get stuck on them

We should be paying attention to how we speak, not how people who have no control over some things they say speak

We should acknowledge that it is because racism, animosity, aggression, hate, and any number of other negative aspects of our culture has, exist that people with Tourette’s mirror them

Our society is the one to hold a mirror up to, not the individuals who were negatively affected by it

It’s not the person with Tourette’s that’s the problem it’s the society that provides them with all the things they’re stuck with

We made those words exist

We pervaded them

I hate how this society points the finger at everyone but itself

It’s not the person with the tics who’s the problem it’s the society that gave them the tics

If we had a kinder society, there would be less toxicity floating around for people to pick up

Instead of seeing people as a problem

Focus on what made them a problem