Elucidating Questions

There are so many missteps that come with being alive

And I dwell on them

And I could be brave and go back and accept that I’ve done them

But the reactions of others scare me into inaction

How do I lead with compassion when this world terrifies me so much?

Constantly fighting because it affects somebody else

Maybe I should fight for me

It’s really ironic but so much of my anger probably comes from just how angry I am at myself

I’m not what I wanted

Not even close

When I was a teen, haphazardly wishing to be able to play video games all day

I obviously didn’t imagine what that entailed

Now it’s not that I’m able to play video games all day

But I can’t do anything else because I’m exhausted and in pain

I didn’t imagine this future when I imagined no future

And I know that if anyone had warned me that this was my future I would not be here

But now I’m here and my life has made me terrified of what dying is

I’ll cling to living as long as I can

Because the alternative is an unknown I am not willing to face

But I’m angry that I’m here

That this is my lot in life

That it won’t get better and that no one cares

I think it translates into anger at others

I should figure out how to quell this anger

It runs in my family

But it doesn’t belong in me

I don’t want to hurt people because I am hurting

How do I show compassion for a body that failed me?

Compassion for a person that has been called every terrible thing under the Sun?

But I want to show compassion before my gripes with this place

These people

It’s wrong to say something that would shape victims as at fault

It’s wrong to dismiss lives being lost

How to suspend my disappointment in the bulk of humanity so I can show compassion to the individuals

It’s something I’ll have to grapple with