Elucidating Questions

I need to learn to lead with compassion.

Which is hard because this world is anything but compassionate towards me

But I have to

I need to stop leading with my pain

I need to stop that little voice in my head that thinks people should just suffer

It’s not right to think that way

They’re all just living

I can’t be corrupted by the fact that they don’t care

How can I summon it

I want to be a wellspring of love and compassion

I can’t lead with this cynical heart to do so

I don’t want to harm anyone

But I do because I’m hurting

And I know hurt people hurt people

But that’s not an excuse, it’s a reason

And I should do my best to combat it

Even if for my own sake of peace

I brood when I do something wrong

When I realise I’ve hurt someone

But that doesn’t fix it

Doesn’t prevent it from happening again

Gods give me strength to overcome my ineffectual brooding and actually solve the problem

I don’t want to be an angry person

I don’t want to interact with the world as an angry person

I wish I knew where to find it within myself

There are moments I have it and moments I don’t

It shouldn’t be so easy to dismiss people

I want to be able to know all the facts, know what caused what

And still see the aftermath as a tragedy

They whisper self compassion

How I want to call that a load of shit

But I’ve tried everything else

I don’t want to accept things like this

Nor have reasons shaped like blame

I don’t want to be what this world is turning me into

But I get so tired of being compassionate

And that’s wrong

It has to be for all

Darn obstacles

If I could erase the hurt inside me

I wish I would stop lashing out in ways tha