Elucidating Questions

I don’t know how to be a good person

I’m struggling so much just too survive

I don’t even know who I am

Who I want to be

I dare not imagine a me

Better than now

Because no matter how much I try I’m just back at square one

I hate board games

And how am I supposed to put out good things?

I have no love to croon about to pasteurize the populace

No wholesome relationships to tell about

Every task feels like a cruelty

Like why am I being asked to blindly believe in good and positive things when my environment is not what I wanted, asked for, or need?

When I have no employment to keep me entertained?

When nothing is what I meant and everything is just me not understanding how I’m supposed to be

Never right enough

Or just wrong

I feel like I already screwed up so much in my life

But it was always me being forced to take on environments that I couldn’t handle or didn’t want

Why am I supposed to blame a child who didn’t understand what I do now for not being told how to do things properly

Failure thrown in my face daily for it

I don’t know why for me everything is a choice but other people get to behave however they want

I just want to be somewhere I’m safe

I don’t know why I’m being expected to learn to love a world that doesn’t love me

In the moments I did love everyone and everything I was so bitterly alone it’s comical

It feels like everything around me got to traumatise me into this person

When the little voice inside just wants peace

Do I keep pretending that it’s fair to demand positivity from me when I’ve seen so much negative

This time last year I believed I deserved as much as anyone else.

Now I don’t

And I’m angry about it

And it’s overflowing into my life

I don’t want the rage

I want to be free