Elucidating Questions

I’m constantly in this place where people don’t understand me

Either I’m not good enough

Or I’m too much and they don’t want to be around me

It’s hard to be in a space where everyone is friends because I’m always the odd one out

I see them socialising around me

I constantly have to hide myself

Constantly terrified if I let myself free it will end any friendships I really have

The amount of lies I tell in a day has skyrocketed

There was a time during my psychosis that I kept hearing the word “liar” like it was being said through a megaphone

I’m still very caught up in it

I still feel like I’m being watched every time I don’t say what I want to say

I’m so sick of not fitting anywhere

Just waiting for the next moment someone objects to how I am

And they keep saying change but I keep feeling like I’m in the same place to matter what I try

I’m so sick of fake faces for the sake of their peace

It’s always someone else’s peace

Wouldn’t want to disturb them with me now would we?

And then it feels self enforced

Right?

But if I slip up just a bit it’s the awkward silences

The correction

I think it’s because I try so hard to do things right that when people get at me I react so badly

It’s just proof I failed again

Shame

Okay I won’t agree next time

Or something

I never know what to say

I wish I had a manual

Don’t talk

I want to be mute but the fear of what they’d do to me if I was prevents it more than situationally

And they never notice because I could communicate solely in paralinguistics and they’d take no notice

I want to know how to be left alone while also having relationships

I have no energy for fighting

I just don’t

And as much as I hate being a sick thing

It’s not like I can use it as an excuse every time someone gets mad at me

I try to learn and grow

It’s never enough

It’s like you learn and then the people who don’t know as much as you hate you and the people who know more than you also hate you

So focused on hatred

I’m so tired

Being is so freaking exhausting