Elucidating Questions

There’s a couple of people who like my work that I recognise from far back

And I’ll always feel this deep appreciation for them

That they’ve stuck around with me this far

I’m cranky

I’m irrational

I’m depressing

I’m constantly fighting something

But some of these pararelationships are longer than my current ones

That you stuck around long enough for me to get to wherever the hell I am now

This road I’m following that just seems like some endless highway to nowhere

I struggle more with life than most people do

I can’t shelve that there are genocides occuring while I live, or that homeless people exist, or that disabled people are left behind, or that they’re trying to eradicate trans people

And some of those things are more personal than others, but when I know there’s suffering I can’t do whatever everyone else does and just pretend it doesn’t exist because it’s over there

The curse of this hyper awareness is I’m in shambles mentally because I can’t comprehend how everyone just sits around and doesn’t do anything

If I had the ability, the means?

I’d be campaigning

And it’s so frustrating to sit here trapped inside my body doing nothing

And meanwhile the world just goes on marching itself into oblivion

But it’s reassuring to know I have some people who have stuck by

Some since the psychosis 

I don’t even know what I wrote back then so they have seen some things, I’m sure

It feels surreal sometimes to think that I was sitting in a park, living in a home that felt like a hotel to me, going absolutely insane

And I’m still sitting here, though somewhere else

Though not where I would have thought I would be

So many times I wanted to give up

So many times I tried

Yet, here I am, still writing this thing.

Can’t say if it was worth it, frankly

But I’m still here

And so are some people from the beginning

I appreciate that