Elucidating Questions

I don’t feel safe

My brother with his anger, for no reason, as if the world abandoned him when he’s had meals every day and a roof over his head and all the luxuries he wants

And my dad who doesn’t hear a word I say

It’s like speaking into a microphone that absorbs sound

It’s like someone punching the wall nearby

Fuck this

Screw that

Kill yourself

I had a place where I felt at peace

And it’s gone now

All I have left is shutting my mouth so my Christian father doesn’t kick me out

And hearing abuse spoken by my brother that I swear the Universe means for me

I’m here

Unemployed so I can’t escape

I’ve begged every time I could wish

But I guess it wouldn’t change anything

I’d still be sleeping with a powderkeg in the next room

Haven’t been sleeping

Can’t stay asleep

And I’m so over tired and my dad has been yelling at his computer and my brother has been yelling at his computer

And I just want to buy something

I just want to bandaid this stress and this fear and this uncertainty with buying things

Can’t

That whole, not having a job I keep begging the Universe for

And it’s so gross?

Because I’m being made to be grateful for this

Thank god I could move back into this house how lucky I am

I feel so alone

I have a friend

But she’s on the other side of the country and I’m on the back porch crying

What’s she supposed to do?

I feel so stuck

And like I’m moving backward

I finally knew who I was at home

Back to masking to appease my family

It all feels so pointless

Everything I did for the past fifteen years

I’m right back here

Right back where I started with no power, no control

Afraid of an angry man

Afraid of losing my home if I misspeak

I wanted to go home

I want to go home

Just don’t ask me where it is

I don’t know anymore