Elucidating Questions

I have to be here to prove to others that they can be here

Prove that your mind can be the darkest place and you can still persevere

I keep seeing other people with my mental illnesses fall

Retraumatised over the loss

I always wonder why I was left here

What right I have to be here over them

Why there wasn’t a miracle for them

Why I was able to take an entire bottle of naproxen and half a bottle of ibuprofen and live

Why my overdose was just me passing out and a weird dream

Why did cosmic timing not favour them?

Why am I here?

Well it was all about telling my story until I died but then I didn’t

And I will shoulder their pain as they fall and keep proving that it’s terrifying and awful but we can do this

That I’m a split in half being who barely comprehends this world

Trapped in a body that hates me with a brain that tries to kill me

But I can fucking do this

This will not be a story that ends with a whimper in the darkness

Even if no one sees it

Even if probably there are AI out there reading it and stealing my style (who knows maybe that’s why they’re all deranged)

But, damn it

I want to persist

I want to be a thorn in the side of every institution that tries to walk all over humanity

Even if it never gets recognition

Existing and being a voice of descent is still being a knob in their pudding

Be a knob in their pudding

Be a body of descent

You never know I bet you someone over history has had a knob in their pudding

And didn’t like it

Existing is sometimes painful

And I’m not talking about the background of pain that just is my existence

My emotions are painful

They erupt from inside me

I feel them so completely and it hurts

Even joy

It becomes too much for me

Writing has been a good tool

Typing furiously for a bit

Spitting all the poison I wouldn’t actually say somewhere where I can say, yikes

But it felt good to get it out

I wonder how much I owe to that little intrusive thought

Write through every panic attack

I still remember it so clearly

Nothing else about the moment but the words

Just gotta hang in there however you can

We are each of us a child of the gods, burning bright with the passion of a star who once shone

It’s kind of like that book I never wrote

About how the world was divided by emotional beings and less emotional beings

Except in mine the emotional ones were the ones who had become corrupt and were oppressing the less emotional people

And the world had to be saved by a gay mixed “race” couple that lived in the sewers

But it’s similar

The way people with strong emotions are demonized

But, obviously, I recognise that it can go both ways

This world needs balance like Christians need Jesus

But we persist

We must persist

I don’t want to be a statistic

I will not be a statistic