Elucidating Questions

I don’t particularly want to dislike people

I’m feel no pleasure from not liking someone else’s actions

I always end up feeling like I don’t fit in

Every space has its own kind of cruelty

If I had the option to exist without causing harm to anything ever

I would do it

Everything seems so innocent until it comes into contact with something else

My something else is other humans

I hate judging people

It leaves a sick feeling in my stomach

There’s always gossip though

There’s always ridicule for no good reason

And me not feeling comfortable in a space because there’s always a target

It’s never consequential

I don’t know why my comfort is never important

I don’t know why they say these things about eachother in places the people being spoken about can’t defend themselves

I started “lame” gossiping

I just agree with whatever the person gossiping says and then don’t say it to anyone else and if anyone asks I just didn’t feel like starting a fight

Because people dislike you if you won’t gossip with them and then will turn the gossip on you

I’d prefer to talk about what we like about people

And then go back to those people and tell them about the lovely conversation we were having about them

Bravely tell them all the things we love about them that just came up in conversation

Positive reinforcement is not just for non-human animals

You’d think we’d be smart enough to see our own similarities amongst creatures we are related to

Bah

In this quiet place where I hide my contempt for this world

And my love for the planet

I am so good at judging humanity as one big blob

But individuals are frequently so beautiful

But our insides

This place is as close to what it’s like inside my head as anything

Frequently I write my initial feelings and then go on puzzling and change my mind

Frequently my anger is its own thing and I don’t feel that prickly in person

Is every human a different world inside themselves?

Like I am?

A shadow of myself in front of others for my own safety?

Not all I suppose

Some people feel safe on this planet

I wish we spoke words as beautiful as the Earth is

That we only quaked when it was needed

I wish that we spoke love and not poison into existence

I wish I still loved humanity

It’s not hard to love individuals

But I don’t know what hope we have when it’s been 2000+ years and we still speak so negatively all the time

Animals have evolved traits that keep them alive in an increasingly difficult environment in that time

We still pick hate over love over and over again

I don’t know

I just wish I found somewhere that I fit

Where there isn’t toxic positivity nor toxic negativity

Where we accept that sometimes stuff is shitty and we talk about the shitty stuff

But we also don’t tear people down