Elucidating Questions

I can’t find anything

Not the stuff I keep looking for in the boxes upon boxes and piles and clothing and random shit

Not a job

Not a home

I want to live on my own again

I can’t handle this

Being responsible for my dad

Being responsible for other people’s feelings about how I live my day to day

I want to sing

I miss singing

I miss singing without being told I should enter choirs that sing about Jesus all day

I miss my stuff

I miss everything where I put it

I miss my living room

And my chair

I miss my crystals

Being everywhere

I miss my bedroom

Not mine

Tenancy

I used to fantasise that I’d buy that house some day and rent out the top floor

Just live in my basement and then pay the tenant to be the caretaker of the house

So many dreams died when I left that house

And I have nothing

No job

No place to call my place

Constantly worried I’m bothering someone

Constantly worried that I’m going to do something to bring out my father’s bad side

Constantly being told my world view is wrong

Just because I understand things differently

Doesn’t matter if I reached the same conclusion or not

Bowing to Christianity constantly

Just makes me want to set it on fire even more

I want my life back

I wasn’t really wrong when I said my life was ending the day I moved

Nothing is the same anymore

I just want my freedom back

I miss my freedom

I don’t live well with other people

So anxious and agitated all the time

I don’t know why things happen in this world

Sometimes it feels like the wrong sort of chaos

Sometimes it feels like there are threads of order within it but they don’t make sense

Nothing makes sense

I didn’t intend to lose to this world, but it’s exactly what I did

I want everything back

The idea that this is just a life that repeats over and over

And I end up wanting to repeat it every time

Has crossed my mind before

I’m stuck in a loop of failure and if I just went back and did something differently

Tomorrow is so far away

Why can’t it get better today?