Elucidating Questions

I wish I didn’t have to listen to Christian music

It’s not good for my brain

My brain that once thought it needed to be Jesus

Psychosis is weird

Because I obviously know I’m not Jesus

And it’s not grandiose

It’s responsibility

But even with knowing

Certain phrases trigger it to come in again like a gut punch

I didn’t think I was Jesus because I thought it made me powerful

Christianity’s poison still seeping through my veins

Someone has to take responsibility for the state of the world

I didn’t imagine myself powerful

I imagined myself beaten and strung up

Powerless

I don’t even believe in that god

I don’t believe the stories of the Bible

But it’s in me like a virus

Fear that I have to take responsibility and be Jesus or even Jesuslike

I hate that I can’t get the tunes out of my head

My father singing them in his choir

He thinks I should join

I don’t want to sing songs about Jesus and their god

I wish I had songs about my gods to sing instead

Instead I just raise my voice to them in general song

It’s stressful to be around a Christian again

It’s scary to be faced with this doctrine again

He refuses to entertain other world views

While expecting that his should be respected and believed without question

I don’t understand it

I spend all day humouring his world

I can’t even hint towards mine

He thinks animals run on instinct and have no feelings

He doesn’t consider the Earth a living being

He’s decent, sometimes he says bad things

He corrects me for no reason

I said “my (crystal) skull melts ice”

And he laughed at me and said “the skull doesn’t melt the ice, the material it’s made of melts the ice”

Thank god a man was here to correct this terrible error

I’m just tired

I was so free

I thought I was grateful

But it was taken away

Does that prove I wasn’t?

It’s hard for me to be around this

I daren’t wish it would end because I want my father to be alive and well

Oh complexities

I wish it wasn’t

I wish it wasn’t so complex