Elucidating Questions

That’s a good number

Just took away from my own opening

Whatever, good numbers should be recognised

It’s hard, you know?

When I haven’t really experienced many relationship things

Had one, let’s call it the “healthiest”, relationship where I loved the person, but I wasn’t in love with her, where I cared about her so much

But when she left back to her place I was so twisted inside from how fucked up it was that I wasn’t in love with her

I didn’t end up missing her

And the online relationships where I never met them

That “someday” when we were going to meet never happened

I really struggle to relate to relationship problems

It’s like, in terms of relationships, I have equal literacy to a palace servant’s reading level

And then I get depressed

Because there were days I just cried because I wanted a companion

An affectionate relationship

Cried at the prospect of it never happening

And it probably won’t ever happen now

The more I became my self the less likely it was

The more sick I have become the less likely it is

How do I relate to people who are sad they can’t see someone for a week?

I feel cruel

I know I’m not denying that they feel strongly about it

But I can’t understand why they are

A week

Weeks go by so slowly

So quickly

It still feels like April

I don’t know

I know what it feels like to miss someone I never met face to face

But never meeting and not seeing each other for a week is a slightly different scale

I feel bad

Wrap your head around it damn it

I’m sure there were people I missed in my past

Maybe I forced my feelings of loneliness down so much that I can’t remember what that feels like

I don’t want a relationship now

I’m never putting myself in that vulnerable a position with another human being again

It’s hard enough living with other people

The bedroom door doesn’t have a proper lock on it, it’s a coin lock

I thought I was lonely

Talking to people is fun

But letting them know about me and who I am?

I’d rather keep me safe

I can’t imagine missing someone after a week though

Maybe a couple months

I don’t have anyone to miss that isn’t dead

Dead’s kinda final, you miss them immediately because of it

I can be supportive

I don’t plan on saying anything even close to “it’s just a week”

It’s hard to remember that regular people have relationships

My own failing

I don’t want to dismiss anyone’s feelings

I’ve known weeks that stretched for other reasons

Maybe I can reframe it like that

I can’t imagine me missing a person after a week

But other things have ployed Time to stretch and twist

Like when I’m waiting for a package except it’s a person and I don’t really miss a package but it’s fine

I don’t know if I wish I could understand

I don’t know if I want another person to ever be that close to me

I hurt people blindly, and that’s a problem, and I now second guess everything I say and do because I’m paranoid of hurting other people

But I’ll bet you every person who hurt me did so without blinking twice and think I’m the bad guy

I’ll bet you they think that by me saying they hurt me two they think I’m playing the victim

As if you can’t mutually cause pain

I’m still struggling with keeping myself entertained and enjoying life without also spending other people’s money to pay for my needs

I do things wrecklessly

Sometimes it feels like I’m going to die anyways so why does it matter?

Sometimes depressed as hell and just needing something good

I’m so afraid of being hurt and my potential to hurt

But I have to understand relationships better

I will try to understand the depth of one week