Elucidating Questions

Having friends is hard

Having a friend is hard

She’s gone quiet and I’m trapped in this web of worrying if she’s okay and worrying if I did something wrong

Always so worried I did something wrong

And, you know?

It’s probably nothing

But convince my body of that

Stomach aching, thoughts racing

I didn’t do anything right?

I didn’t

Did I?

What did I do?

Is she okay?

Sigh

Maybe I’m just not made to have friends anymore

I’m so sick of exposure therapy

Everything being exposure therapy

I’m anxious

I’m scared

I hate having something I don’t want to lose

She’s nice and cute and kind and I really really really don’t want to fuck up

But what if I already did?

And they’re thoughtless

“if it didn’t work out this time there will be others”

When?

For a few weeks again?

I want relationships

Not casual crap

I am so over thinking this

It’s gonna turn out that she was napping or something 

Ugh but my “what if” brain is so loud

Shut up, shut up, shut up

Aren’t we underestimating her if we think we did something and now she won’t talk to us?

Oh good

Yeah, see, I made it all up in my head

Relief

And I tell myself every time it happens like

It’s gonna be nothing and you’re going to be like why did I waste all that energy being stressed?

But I get this one two punch from my brain and my body

My stomach aching

My thoughts racing

My ears ringing

Yelling at my brain becomes pointless

How can I convince my brain that these patterns it’s seen of people just dumping me are not necessarily true?

I want to be free from this curse