Elucidating Questions

I feel worthless

I feel like I’m the worst person on this planet and I don’t know why

Why do I have to feel bad about stupid things?

Why do little things get to me?

Why are other people allowed to be cruel to me but as soon as I fight back I’m the bad guy?

Why is retaliation worse than the thing that caused the retaliation?

And I’m conflicted

Because I don’t understand why I’m worthless and bad and evil

I wish someone could explain it to me

I just want to understand why I’m so wrong in this world

I feel like I’m an imposition

A burden

I didn’t choose to become disabled but I should have known better and I’m a bad person for not being able to work

So I’m being punished by society

I get that

I understand that that is what is happening

I understand that I am worth less because I don’t pose a function that is exploitable

But I don’t understand why

I understand that being mentally ill means anything I say is just pointless words and I should sit down and stop speaking

That my suffering doesn’t exist because my mind doesn’t work to their standards

Didn’t hold up to the cruelty of this world like it was supposed to

But why?

Why am I worth less?

Why is my perspective moot?

I just saw a crow fly over with food in their mouth

Did that not actually happen because I’m not good enough for society?

Never good enough

Always taking up space

I wanted to fit in

Do my suffering like everyone else

Was so prepared for a life of just cruising through because I was never going to be powerful enough to make the change

I saw the incoming trouble but people insisted I was delusional so I ignored my own alarm bells

It’s not fair

I feel like I’m causing the world to go nuts

That this is all just my fear becoming real

Humanity has dehumanized me so well that I now question if humanity even exists

Is this not a simulation? If I could just be positive the world would be a better place

Like it’s all on me

Me, the worst person on this planet

I’m sorry I’m not what I was supposed to be

I’m sorry that all I do is impose upon people

I’m sorry that I’m not worthy enough for my own home

To afford medications

To afford the help I need

I’m sorry therapy doesn’t fix me like it’s supposed to

That you all have to keep telling me to go because I’m not doing a good enough job of shutting up and taking my lot in life

I wish I could kill myself

But I’m a fucking coward

I’m sorry I didn’t die when I overdosed or when my ex tried to smother me with a pillow I’m sorry

I know that there is someone who deserves what I have more than me

I know this air would be better spent on someone else