Elucidating Questions

It’s hard being invisible

Not being the right kind of productive

Not “in” enough to make a splash or even a drop of a difference

I can’t afford rent again and that’s just because I’ve been dealing with severe mental health issues and when I’m struggling with wanting to die I shop

Something to live for

But, of course, dopamine from shopping is like crack

And I like crack

So great

And there’s no alternative

It sucks

And I have 0 self preservation

I’m like fuck it I will starve

And then I get to the starving part and panic

Probably the infinitesimal amount of self preservation I do have finally getting off its ass

I feel fine when I can just live

Isn’t that a concept?

So the few times I’ve gotten money I’ve lived

I’ve gone on vacation once since 2014 when I moved out from my mum’s

And that put me into debt

Excuse me if I wanted to feel free for a moment

Free of the shackles of not enough

It’ll be enough if you just work harder

Oh you can’t?

Rot

I view myself how society views me

I see myself as a useless leach sucking resources from the government because I’m not good enough

Disposable

Thank god for reverse word look up that word was gone

Kept getting recyclable

Which is funny

Because they won’t even let Mother Earth recycle us.

Burnt to ashes or locked in wooden tombs

Purely thrown away

Refuse

I don’t view other disabled people who can’t work the same

Disabled people are not a problem

They are a fact of life

Their needs should be provided

Everyone’s should

But especially people who can’t help themselves

Do you know what it feels like to cry for need of help and know there is none?

You already got all the help

That’s it

I know so many people have been in the no way out, there is no help, place

No one should be there

I get begrudged help

Every time my mum helps me she hates me a bit more

I have bad timing

I have needs that will never be fulfilled unless I have freedom

But you can’t have freedom if you’re invisible.

Not my kind anyways

Nepobabies are fine

They can be quiet and free

They think they have freedom

I don’t really want to be visible

But it’s hard to crowdfund without a crowd

Dancing my dance in hopes I’ll be worthy of freedom

From this cage that money built me

I wish I’d been born in a society without consumerism

I love collecting

I love my stuff

But it’d be nice to have stuff and collect stuff in a world where we just do the things that make sure everyone gets what they need and want

Wanting something isn’t wrong

Telling you wanting is wrong is something rich people who have do

Every cognitive being wants

I wish I wasn’t invisible

I wish I could subsist off of sunlight

It’s free