Elucidating Questions

What a fun number

I used to talk really negatively about myself

But it annoyed people

They’d tell me to stop

They wouldn’t tell me it wasn’t what I thought

But they wanted me to stop

So I stopped

And the poison stayed inside

There’s no one inside to tell me I’m wrong

So the ugly thoughts just festered

Like an old wound you didn’t get treated in time

No one said “it’s not like that”

I’d say “I’m ugly”

They’d say “don’t say that”

I’d say “I want to die”

They’d say “stop saying that”

But they never said stop thinking that

They lived inside me

Rotting me

So well trained, my mind, to pounce on me, and make me bleed in ways these humans have tried but never managed

It’s only when they cement something my brain already told me was true that it hurts

You didn’t hurt me

The truth did

It’s not that you said it

It’s that the face inside grinned when you said it

So I started putting those feelings somewhere

People acted like I was fishing for compliments

Like I already knew the things they would say to reply to my self hate

Here in the silence

The thoughts are valid

Acknowledged by the silence

They’re allowed to be there

They won’t be contradicted

But they’re real, and they’re allowed to be

Not scorned as if I’ve done something wrong by thinking them, but the thoughts are not combated

And they say things like

You have to save yourself

Positive self talk comes from within

Where am I supposed to get the belief that anything I think is true?

Decades of being told I’m delusional

Having my memory questioned

How am I supposed to trust myself?

At least there’s somewhere to put the thoughts

Dark, angry, broken

Whatever

There is a darkness in me

Asterisk

Darkness is different from evil

I think the darkness has its place

It needs somewhere to go

Sometimes there’s no where else to put it

No, often

I just want to make a point that

They silenced my negative self speech instead of repurposing it

They acted like I wanted to be complimented and not reassured

So it became an internal monologue

A voice within my inner voice

There’s so much me in my head

So much that has separated from me

That is still within me

So much going on

I’m so afraid of failing everyone

I just want peace

Then again

How do people who refused to seek their own peace teach it to a child?