Elucidating Questions

I should write some back

“Please don’t harass random citizens”

Well behaved harassment

You should see him unbehaved

I guess I woke up and chose angry

It’s funny how we never know until we know

A million times the coin could flip and we’d still be us until a moment when the step breaks

Something demands our awareness

But he just kind of started it

I wonder if it’ll be like this now

Moments of each of us

So locked into the spinning motion

A face for the Sun and a face for the dark side of the Moon

If he’s within me doesn’t it overflow into me?

Wrath

Just as you’d look upon him with that uncontrollable affection

I’ve never known anyone who would do evil things for me

But myself?

Myself

Is that how it’s supposed to be?

I hurt when I think about the evil in me

But it segmented

Into me and me?

It doesn’t matter because no one notices it

Only things that other people notice matter

That’s why my depression is evil

And my illnesses are a burden

But I can be a person and a… I don’t know a quarter?

No worries

Besides what would life be without a couple secrets?

I could beg the people I know to read this stuff and they wouldn’t

I’ve been writing this handbook of me and they never cared

I want my chair back

Haven’t been able to relax

Maybe that’s why he was up this morning and not me

Can’t feel at home without my falling apart monstrosity of a lounge chair

P.S. that doesn’t mean you go out to start fights with people

Even if they started the fight with me first

You dingo

Somewhere we’ll feel home again

Someday

I hope

I feel at home in the area

Many of my dreams take part in this area

But all them within that house

Include me flying off the balcony

Fucking that place and going somewhere else

I’m so on edge

I’m seeing my brothers getting away with things that would have pissed him off before

Trying to figure out how he sleeps with them laughing their asses off upstairs with him

I feel bad for making him sleep up there

I remember being told off for closing doors too loud

I always go out of my way to close doors as quietly as possible since

They’re up there slamming around

I got yelled at for going up and down stairs too loud

I still go down stairs as quietly as possible

Stomping, yelled at for that

Eating snacks, yelled at for that

My brother was pounding the wall on the bathroom this morning because of some noise it makes

Angry?

Pounding on anything?

I’m floored

I’m never going to recover from him loving the cat

I guess fifteen years is a while

Still I’m on edge

Waiting for the shoe to drop

Not even going to pretend to have a honeymoon period

I’m afraid of what it’s going to be like two weeks from now

I need an ally

One that’s not in my head

Man, I had one dream friend

Now I have tonnes

And the other side

My brain, desperate for help

I don’t know how anyone else would react to this life

I know I’m not as strong as most people

But I do feel like my life is on, like, Demon level hard mode

That being said I’m grateful for what I do have

I wouldn’t have been able to move without the help of my brothers and mum and stepdad

They’re irreplaceable

They help when asked even if they hate it

Even if they were bad mouthing me half the time

The place was a mess.

I’m a mess

Have to make sure I can keep it together this time

At least there won’t be any men to destroy it this time

Well none that I bring in

I live with three men now

That’s scary even though they’re family

I’m jumpy as hell

I need to find out how to relax

I’m so tired

We’re so tired