Elucidating Questions

I know I’m a colonizer

I can’t do anything about that

I was born on stolen land

To a family that came here because their land was stolen

Existing in the generational, and probably DNA, trauma and poverty that that created

I can’t stop being a colonizer

There’s no where to go

They stole my family’s land throughout the generations

Made them debt slaves

They ran to Canada

Which was just more stolen land

I want to go home

All my life, fuck

I’ve wanted to go to some place that isn’t here

Japan felt like home in a borrowed way

Like it had once been, perhaps, and I was just coming back to check on it

Reincarnation

But I don’t know where my home is

And simply by existing I am an evil that will never absolve myself of these crimes

My existence is a sin against the people who lived here first

I won’t ever claim I’m not

But it hurts to hear it

This stain I can’t erase because of my disgusting skin colour

Everything it represents

Whatever is wrong with our DNA to make us an afront to the Sun

Too poor to make a difference so I’m just taking up resources that would be better spent on indigenous people

Fuck colonization

Fuck taking things from people who are still alive

But it’s meaningless from me

I’m just a white pawn taking up space like the colonizer masters want

Filling the space with whatever sickness birthed from the conquest

Indigenous people, globally, deserve better

I have no lands to call home

If I was to go back to where I came from

I’d be here

If I go back to where my ancestors came from

I’d just be a colonizer all over again

I wonder what it’s like to know where you belong?

How do I sit with it?

How to accept that I am just evil?

My birth was evil

That I can’t fix it

Truly,

The only way to live right is to not live at all

But here I go persisting

I wish I could be what everyone wants me to be