Elucidating Questions

The last Good Night

It’s over

Something must feed on my heartbreak

Such a curious thing

Like the heart is actually broken

It hurts

I will probably never escape this house again

If I do I won’t have one at all

I don’t know how I’m going to share a livingroom with someone doing Bible studies

I begged for years for Christianity to disappear from my life and now I’m housemates with a fundamentalist Christian

Weird sudo liberal

Something

I’m too radical for this

I just wanted a home

That’s all

It hurts that that was too much to hope for

It hurts that I wasn’t deemed worthy this time

And I really just want to fuck all your plans for me up

This disgusting molding process

With each strike I’m less human

Why do you demand so much from me that you had the world beat out?

You let me “free”

Taught me what happens when you stand up to other people

So that I’d never do it again

And now you’re locking me up with the original nightmare

Did you think I would be overflowing with gratitude that I’m going back to living in the same tiny room I’d imagine killing myself in?

Thank you

Fuck you

On the top bunk listening to Nobody’s Home and crying

She wants to go home but nobody’s home

All very incorrect

Because there were more people home than fit in the house

And I wanted to be in the home I could never remember

I’m grateful I got to know what a home is

I went many years without that awful feeling

No matter how hard it was I was home

That ends tomorrow

It’s not any less cruel to teach me what home felt like and then take it away from me

No, this

This is another one of those turning points

You don’t know the meaning of End of an Era

It’s another drop

Every few years I drop down a few more rungs

And the worst part is the only one who could save me is me, if I wasn’t disabled

No one else is going to make my life better

But the only option I have to improve my life now is to end the torture

The universe is practically begging me to do it

I wish I could awaken to horrifying powers and just make everyone give me what I want

Discard the part of me that is so damn worried about other people

Just take from them like they’ve taken from me

Remove that part of me that wonders if the person I’m choosing to unleash my wrath on is “one of the good ones”

I want to be bad like everyone else is, apparently without torturing themselves over it

We’re not friends

Friends don’t make friends move into their nightmare house

The house from my nightmares

I never found another home

If I can figure out how to get past this cowardice

I’m going to make my life better

And then no one will have to think about me ever again

Just like Mel ceased to exist

It should have been me