Elucidating Questions

The last time I was in that house

The Cat was a visitor

Just a part of me the didn’t feel like a part

The only part of me that will tell people when I’m a danger to myself

And it’s a crisis because he wants to keep me alive

With every fibre of his being

But my mind how it tortures us

I will cry alone for days

He will find a way to lash out in such a way that we get help

Even though it’s always in the wrong direction

I want help

In this world where I can’t find the softness

Where somehow we looked at the beauty all around and decided Hell was more inviting

How do I protect him from himself?

We’re going back into a place where I only remember pain

Sitting on the kitchen floor crying

Midnights where I just cried into the loneliness of the night

Friends who turned out to be the same as everyone else

Being told that everyone would get bored of me and leave

And then they did

And he’s supposed to be irrationally paranoid

Somehow that crumb of truth, which traumatised me, came out on top

What new horrors am I going to hear?

He doesn’t accept that I’m non-binary

In fact no one in my life, except I found out my younger brother, uses my pronouns

Or thinks of me as the gender I am

He thinks I’m “buying what they’re selling”

The whole point of the non part of the binary is that I’m not buying any of your shit

I’m doing my own shit

I don’t even follow so called “non-binary norms”

I’m literally just a being who is too complex to be labeled by roles other people made up

I am free of the obligation of what other people have decided of me

Hell the pattern of my favourite cardigan vest said medium weight and I said fuck that and made it in blanket yarn and it’s better

And that’s how I live

You tell me what you expect and I do what I want

It’s the chaotic part of whatever I’m aligned with at the moment

Be it good or neutral

How do I protect us from a complete unknown?

He can’t physically hurt me

But fuck I’m still hurting from shit he said 20 years ago

I’m a terrible kid

He was always practically giddy to bad mouth me to adults in front of me

When the concept of Japanese parents doing the same to their kids for some cultural reason came along I was already familiar with how it felt

Frankly I’m still trying to understand why he wants me to come back he was always talking about how excited he was for me to move out

I was such a problem

Before I and the Cat became a spinning coin

He was the voice who always combated the viciousness

Some quick comeback

Something I’d never say

My mind was my safe place

I don’t have the ally anymore

He’s on the other side of a wall

We pass messages in strong feelings and memories we both have access to in different views

He only comes out to fuck shit up and be tired but present when I’m not

Society told me he shouldn’t exist so I pretended he didn’t

And then he was me at the worst times

I wonder what broke in my brain

I wonder what went wrong to create this dance

But as fucked up as it is

We have to figure out how to readapt in this new form of us

It’s so weird being so aware of myself

It’s just always about keeping on

Just go, we’ll rest when we’re dead, just get through

And along the way all this shit tagged on

When I was having my psychotic episode I imagined this group of friends for me like any well known RPG has for the main character

Turns out my party is made up of various mental illnesses and disorders

And, just, allow me some of my insanity

I was stuck with these guys for decades

Is it such a surprise that I made friends with one of them?

Can we do this?

Can we walk back into the house like we walked into the backwards version of our other house and claim it?

They keep talking about our strength

But is it mine? Yours?

Is it halved between us?

Can we find it?

I’m looking for help

Because you raised the alarm

Can we go back and stay, in an awkward sense of the word, in one piece?