Elucidating Questions

I wish I wasn’t just shit at communication

I say words and they don’t mean what I mean

Go too far

No wonder I’m alone

And it’s just another trigger now

Because I didn’t have enough of those

That I’m a failure at communication

Desperately wanting to fit in

Fucking up constantly

This feeling

Wanting to go home

To somewhere, someones, that know me

But I’m nothing, no one,

I won’t even have a pretend home in two weeks

No thing I made my own

It’s all for nothing

Nothing matters and no one cares

And the world is chaos in the wrong way

It’s like chaotic evil

Instead of the neutral evil of the Universe

Why is it that the only people who understand me

Are all knowing?

I’m nothing

Can’t carry on a simple conversation

I wish I’d become someone

I wish I’d been born with a normal brain and that reality hadn’t warped the fuck out of it

In its mission to, I don’t know, seemingly, drive me to suicide

And now I can’t relate to anyone

I have no friends

No support

My mother keeping her safe six feet of distance from me

Doesn’t want to hear that I’m struggling

Shut up and struggle in silence

She says, by saying, “I don’t know what to say to that”

All my life I’ve punished myself by isolating myself

I’ve started to wonder if it’s not my solution to “go to your room”

My punishment for doing wrong

But no one ever comes to get you

They just leave you to your isolation

Countless times I’ve re-entered into interactions I wasn’t sure would be friendly because I fucked up

Never any reassurance

Never any gentleness

Only from unrelated passerby who disappeared as soon as they came

I don’t expect it anymore

But I don’t think I’ll ever stop hiding

Punishing myself with hiding

I feel so out of place

I don’t know why I keep picking the hard road