Elucidating Questions

I hate money

I hate that when you receive a cheque and something is wrong with it, if you ask for it to be fixed it just looks like you’re ungrateful for the thought of it

I look like a bad person

I know I am a bad person

But I hate looking like it

Yesterday was my birthday

I got a gift

Went to work

Found out I’d been essentially priced out of my job

In that they are suddenly demanding that cashiers, the only job I was still able to do, barely, do more things that are even more physically demanding

Asked my Mum for help

So she chewed me out for what happened in October again

And then the cheque was not able to be deposited

So she chewed me out for nothing anyways

Maybe I just should have left it

Maybe I just should have let them believe I had money and then left

I can’t work anymore

I don’t have a home as of the end of March

I’m useless

And all I do is take up the resources of others

If I wasn’t such a coward I’d just end it

But I’m a coward

So instead I willingly allow myself to undergo torture

Anguish

Me living is a sick joke

Reminded I’m a burden and a waste of space on my birthday

Happy birthday to me

Might as well fucking die

I’m just killing time until I die anyways

Things just aren’t going right

And the whole brightening of my day

Where I found out people who I thought forgot about me hadn’t

Was eclipsed by being reminded that any number of people I know are holding some grudge for some thing I did

They won’t tell me what it is until it’s to hurt me most

Couldn’t even wait 24 hours until it wasn’t my birthday anymore

What was I going to do with an entire cheque at 6pm until the next day?

Huh?

It was such a fucking emergency?

All the things you did to me throughout my life that I never held against you

Never brought up

That I just let hurt me for still having feelings about them because you’re different now and I should feel ashamed for even thinking about them

You telling me shit like “I don’t know what to say to that” when I’m expressing that I’m suffering from suicidal ideation

When people are mad at me I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to do things that bring me joy

Nevermind the eating disorder I apparently have

I starve myself of enjoyment when I think I’ve done wrong

Still feel like when I do wrong I should be punished for it

I thought living like this was punishment but humans also just really like to get their kick in

This overwhelming feeling of wanting to go home

Is my final entry in this journal going to be that I never found home?

I do believe you should have belief in your dreams

Then again I left this unpublished for 24 hours and within that 24 hours my father, who has the one home I can count on, is in the hospital

Reality is so cruel on its own

Without being cruel to eachother

I wish we could all live in a world that treated us like we needed

My reality is currently tilting

I don’t know what to think