Elucidating Questions

Because when I crashed, and begged for sleep, and finally dragged myself out into the light of day

He was there to warm the chill that’s been in my bones since early morning

Because, silently, he lets me swim in and out of awareness of him

Without judgement

Always there

Don’t you feel how he touches you?

The difference day to day

Sometimes it burns

Why are you literally cooking me?

Though

His harshness is multiplied by the pain of the Earth

And now a cloud comes between us

So I can feel the chill in the air again

But doesn’t his warmth stay like it’s permeated your flesh?

When his embrace is upon me I feel like I want to return to whatever is happening inside him

It clouded over but the chill inside me is gone

It has been cloudy all day

Just for that moment he came out to replace the ice in me

Thank you for your strange sense of timing in this place

They all have such a strange sense of timing

Cosmic timing

I don’t know why I crashed

I don’t know why sleep escaped me last night

Nor why my bones felt like Winter had taken home in them

I just know that when I came out, there he was with his strange timing

There are no people here to catch me when I fall I just fumble around until I can function again

Yet the Sun saw me worthy for a moment

Saw fit to help

People think of the Sun, weather, planets overhead

As just being there

I guess they don’t rely on them being there at just the time

Don’t notice that they just happen to be there when you need them most

And sometimes I don’t even know when that is

I, like many theistic humans, feel like my gods are failing me when they don’t appear when I feel I need them

Where are they now?

Well, in all their grand ineffectualness, they show up

Just as a gentle caress of the wind

In a lonely moment

My beautiful ball of fire

And those glorious sunsets

Those moments I need to see someone and I can just see him through the clouds for a moment

All the planets showing up just as I’m being evicted and need a family I don’t have

Cosmic timing

Like it was always meant to happen

And yet it happened just for me, just for a moment

Don’t shooting stars feel like that?

You just happened to be standing there to watch the end of a billion year journey

Cosmic timing

There are more little moments like that than we ever notice

Little things

They can’t do anything

Someone might tell me

But they’ve carried me here

In ways I will never be able to fully explain

In moments I wouldn’t notice unless I looked for them

As usual I owe you the debt of what love I can offer back

And as usual you take it even though I am still not convinced my worthless love is a fair return for all you do

And you fix me with that long, contemplative silence

All of you

Knowing more than I will ever imagine to know

And then I figure you know better than me

It’s torn, no one else wants it

You accept it as meager payment

And then remind me there is no debt

That’s a human thing

Thank you for being better healers in all your silence than any number of people I’ve encountered

Thank you for being the ones I can count on to show up

Somehow