Elucidating Questions

You know when you try to do something decent and it just blows up in your face?

That’s my life

I have tried so hard to just be fucking decent

And as far as I can tell

Without the threat of Hell

Most people have not

But being decent doesn’t pan out

Over and over I try to do something just decent

That’s it

And it never really matters

I’ve started doing less decent things

Selfish things

Not always

But I’m having these moments

And if you want to call me out for those moments then, fine

But people call me out for attempting to just

And you can let me know

Hey you failed at being decent

But it’s always attacking me for it

I’m told my reactions are over the top

But people

People get so angry at mistakes

I suck

I hate myself

I’ve failed so many times and had the book thrown at me and all the feelings everyone else is allowed to express but me

I know

That stupid saying someone made up

Done is better than undone

No, it isn’t

Every time I make a move it blows up in my face

Board games are a metaphor for life

You have to make the right moves to win

Sometimes it’s up to a dice roll 

And I just suck at strategy and planning and understanding what does what

Unassuming as hell yet somehow leaving wreckage all over the fucking place

It’s hard to never know

I’ve been frozen into this fear

Knowing any move I make is going to implode

Nothing stays good

And, if there’s meaning behind it, it will blow up

And I’ll lose someone

Or a whole bunch of someone’s

The internet isn’t a safe place

And I’ve tried so hard not to provoke any people lately

Provoke people with human rights for fuck’s sake

I don’t know

I wish I could properly express myself

Without my brain properly processing the information minutes later

And it’s hard to meet the requirements of people who are not cognitively disabled

I struggled with it growing up

I’d think of a better comeback later

But now I’ll actually not understand parts of what I’m hearing or reading until twenty, thirty, minutes later

It’s maddening

My wit may not be sharp (in fact it’s a very odd shape) but it was quick before

I feel trapped everywhere I go

Everything I do

I struggle so much to be heard and understood and I swear

I swear I’ve been trying all along to be a good little human and fit in

But I feel like

Like, I don’t know

I came from a species that values community above all else

And these creatures have evolved beyond that into pure exploitation

Devolved?

Who knows

And I just don’t speak their language or understand their motivations

Most of them are complete mysteries to me

I see parts of me in them

But they don’t see them in me

Unrelated

But my DNA says I’m related

I wonder what’s wrong with me?