Elucidating Questions

It’s the slow settling in of terror

It’s grinning, mad, at the prospect that I’m once again undergoing trauma

Reinflicting every time my home was not my home anymore

I only willingly walked out of two houses

Out of how ever many I’ve left

My life never being in my hands

Forced to go from one place to the next

Just because the interlude was longer this time doesn’t change it

My nightly reoccurring packing dreams

But it doesn’t fit

And I’m not going fast enough

It’s so easy to inflict this kind of trauma on other humans

Or so it seems

Or so my grinning landlord makes it seem

To take away a home

I don’t know what’s wrong with them all

All these people

Maybe what’s wrong with me

Should it be easy to ruin other people’s lives?

They are so bizarre

I still think they should all have homes and food and joys though?

I’ve not seen the worst of humanity

Except through the news

But they certainly have ensured all my fears come true

It’s funny because growing up I wasn’t allowed to eat snacks because I’d get fat

And then I did get fat

And now I either need other people to buy my food for me or there isn’t enough

Sometimes both!

Still fat though.

Life’s so fucked

I see the worst of humanity through the screen so I can feel like what I have experienced isn’t so bad

Yet here I am

Losing my home and my freedom

With work suddenly only employing me for 4 hours a pay cheque

No friends

It’s not all down hill

Like that fucking boomer metaphor is actually an accurate description of what my life’s been like

Up hill both ways through six feet of snow with no shoes or whatever

Constantly having more demanded of me while my body forcibly makes me give less

Maddening

If I start hoping that what is happening to me happens to them I’m as bad as they are for their callous watching of what happens to me

I need help

And not the help I’ve gotten so far that’s like you’ll be good for five minutes and then fucked again

It’s like I’m drowning and someone will pull me out for a moment only to let me fall back in again

Why can’t there be a solution to this

So it doesn’t happen to anyone else ever again?

So that even if I did hope the worst on them

It would be moot because it wouldn’t happen again for the hope to be realised