Elucidating Questions

I’m sick of this life.

I’m sick of being told “I don’t know what to tell you”

I’m sick of living off of $200 a pay period

I shouldn’t have banked on something good happening this week

The being that laughs at my suffering

Will enjoy the next few weeks

2 months

Because it’s not actually two months, see, because he’s evicting me with February included in the time span, I lose 2 days of being here

Isn’t circumstance wicked?

I needed something positive this week

But one thing after another slipped out of my hands

Went with, in a 48 hour period, 2 protein shakes, 2 single serving chicken pot pies, some cookies, and 2 mini pizzas

And I’m just expected to be okay with this

I’m just expected to exist like this

To want to

I’m so used to things not going right

And then I’m pounded with these messages to keep believing, just believe

If you don’t believe in it, it won’t happen how you want

But when I believe

Like I kind of believed this house would be my home for a long time

I’m proven wrong

And then I’m wrong for not believing

Why is there no way to beat the awfulness in my life?

I need help

And I have tried

I’ve written thousands of posts

Put my ko-fi out there, predeceased by three other donation options that never made a cent

Made a Facebook page

My best is never good enough to make it in this world

I need

I need so many things

I guess it’s hard to read about someone else

I don’t know

I’ve never been

Producible

There’s no draw to me

Not buyable

Not sellable

Just, not even mediocrity, but failure

I can’t even afford my own food

I’m eating chicken pot pie every night

Little single serving

I haven’t had lunch, except for on this last New Year’s Eve, in years

I eat nothing and yet I’m obese

I just want to rules that apply to everyone else to apply to me

I want to have the ability to live comfortably

Of course

They’ll be taking that away from them soon

A trillionaire eh?

It makes me sick that there is someone on this planet, without shelter, without food

Someones

While there is a man with the fortune of 100 people living at the same time

Yet it’s normal

I’m not even as poor as I could be

My parents buy my food and no matter how depressing and awful that food is I’m grateful

I’ve got a person who randomly tosses $5 in my ko-fi and even though I literally can’t do anything with it besides buy dumb cheap things, I appreciate it, I’m grateful

Asking for more of anything goes against my comfort

I feel like I don’t deserve to

The government propaganda about people being on benefits being less deserving and thus rightly regulated to poverty has gotten to me, at least in my own case

I know I’m unworthy

I know that no matter how hard I try I will never be enough for this world

While simultaneously being too much

Because why not be both all the time?

Oh Duo

Duality

Simplicity

Complexity

But the thought that others have to go through this

I’m not alone

Millions have it worse

That haunts me

Doesn’t it haunt them?

It’s the loneliness getting to me again probably

Alone

And trapped in a life I couldn’t have imagined

I don’t know how everyone on PWD isn’t on the streets, double so for IA.

You know, I don’t care if the way you grant my wish for a home I never have to leave is to kill me before I have to leave this one

If that’s your last gotcha

If that’s your last “we fulfilled your wish, but…”

I don’t want to do this anymore

This year after year slow trip further and further down the poverty hole

I’m done

I want to give up but I’m afraid

So do your worst, I guess