Elucidating Questions

It’s really hard to write right now

I feel like I’d just be repeating myself

Dreams fucked

Home gone

Will soon be homeless

Need a new job but do I start a job when I may leave the city in 2 months?

Loneliness

There is very little in my life to write that isn’t the panic I’m trying to pretend doesn’t exist

You know?

It’s hard to put pen to paper when the subject is just going to be the subject endlessly

Easier to hide from the way I’m shaking from anxiety over my home being gone soon

If I put it as far away from me as possible I can pretend it’s not there

And it can just effect my health instead

Do you know what tortures it is to experience my real emotions, here, alone?

Not an idea, most likely

And it gets hard to write when you’ve got these words playing in your head of someone taking offense with my poetry journal being about me

This is why I don’t do voice chats

When it’s words I can ignore them

When I hear them they play back in perfect stereo around me weeks later

If only the tinnitus would drown out my thoughts

Endless screeeeeeeeeeeeee

And I don’t even know when the scr was

So much to worry about

There is a chance I will not lose my animals

I’ve been living in that comfort where the anxiety of where that chance is can’t get me

Sitting there

Now I remember

How I’d offer to help and he’d refuse and then he’d tell other people how lazy I was

Do I want to go back to that house and remember why I am the way I am?

He’s cursing and grumbling and slamming things in the other room

He’s an old man now, I thought, nervously

He can’t hurt me anymore

Because that was it right?

All the slamming all the muttering and cursing

He was bigger than me and I was afraid of his rage

He spent so much time deriding me to others

It wasn’t so much what he said to my face

So much as what he said to others about me

Sometimes in front of me

I was an ungrateful child, who didn’t listen, never helped around the house, was just lazy in general

He never really saw the purpose in me watching anime (i.e. teaching myself a huge chunk of a language), or video gaming (the only socializing I could do that didn’t encur further ire of some sort)

He didn’t mind me wandering the streets at 3am though

Sigh

So many regrets

Men are a menace at 3am

And we just had food stolen from our hands

Scarred my sister emotionally, that was great

I digress

I don’t want to go back there

I feel like the black hole that’s going to swallow me has a face suddenly

The past is going to eat me alive.