Elucidating Questions

It’s like seeing the future

But am I a seer of the future or a reader of history with a heavy favour on the voiceless who were made to suffer?

Sometimes I see things

The wars

Still don’t know what’s what until I meet it though

Sometimes I write something seemingly innocuous and then it turns into a line in my real life later on

Sometimes the signs are loud and I still don’t know what they mean

But so much of what I saw in the future

Just looking, I would say, casually

Seeing it happen

I wonder was I seeing it coming or afraid and it made it come sooner?

More gaslighting of myself

No, I was in those comments sections

If I was afraid it was with a conviction of knowing I was afraid of the future

Besides I should try to lose that awful saying that what you fear will come to you

How is it my fault what I fear?

I have a very vivid memory, I must have been 4, I was playing with baby spiders at daycare

And one of the daycare ladies lost her shit and told me it was awful and gross and spiders were icky and

And so I became afraid of spiders

I’ve mended that error of parenting

But how many fears do I have because someone else placed them there?

I may be a precariously stacked tower of anxieties and fears

But underneath that, is a person upon whom those anxieties and fears were stacked upon

I still remember my first panic attack/meltdown

How angry I was

How scared I was

That fear that my parents didn’t love me and that I would never be allowed out of my room

I haven’t been the best caretaker in my life

I probably created fears and anxieties in my brothers as well

Wasn’t taught the fragility of a child until I was already an adult

Don’t know how I was supposed to figure it out as a child myself whose fragility was often mocked and shamed

Not that it ended as an adult

Just that it matters a lot less when you aren’t hearing it from adults whom you’ve been taught have absolute authority

So afraid of the next year

I don’t want it to be January 1st 2025

One day closer to losing my home

One day closer to that lunatic and his greedy stupid baby partner running a country

The very real possibility that these people all around me will let them do what they’re planning with no fighting back

These complacent fucks letting shit get worse

What can I do to prevent the future I see?

Because clearly this isn’t working that well