Elucidating Questions

All these damn regrets

I wish I hadn’t

I wish I had

Would I be without them if I asserted my will?

Didn’t fool myself into trying to fit other people’s needs and wants?

It’s Christmas so it’s time for regret

Regret that I let my cat get taken to the SPCA and subsequently put down because she had a heart problem

Regret that I threw away plushies and blankets

Regret that I did stupid things that made entire families turn against me

Wouldn’t I have somewhere to go?

It’s Christmas and I’m doing laundry

One of the most annoying tasks

And regretting

So much of it

Haven’t heard a word from anyone

No one knows I’m here yet I’ve been here this entire time

Christmas used to be my favourite holiday

It was so much fun going out and buying presents for mom and dad with dad and mom.

It wasn’t about the presents it was about the atmosphere

I never remember the atmosphere of the one Christmas I remember clearly again

The holiday slipped away

Dressed itself in capitalism

And reintroduced itself as a time of hell for me as a worker

When I hear “Merry Christmas” now it feels like it’s mocking me

Because it isn’t and it won’t be

Shouldn’t drink eggnog anymore

Like everything I liked about this holiday is gone

Family getting together

Now it’s like a meeting every year

Here we all are see you again next year

For a few hours

The gift giving is gone because I can’t afford it

When I was still getting student loans I used to pretend Christmas happened again in January and spend my funds on gifts for people

Judging by the amount of people left now that I can I imagine it was a pointless effort

Spending money I could have spent on food on people who weren’t even going to be around five years later

Nevermind ten

Regrets

I regret giving so much of this self I created for the sake of other people and not giving myself a chance

But now I don’t even know if they would have accepted a real me

Nor how to be anything but the mask in the face of someone who may be dangerous

And anyone is dangerous

I don’t know who I am underneath

I’d like to think I’m much similar

Kind as a reaction and not a defense

Less defensive

But only the stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets see the real me

Animals

I don’t know who I am to people without something in the way protecting me from them

I’ll get some sign, some facial expression, some statement

I’ll amend myself

The reshaping begins

I wish I could be me in my dreams

So sure of whatever it is we’re doing

The wind picked up

I suppose Hermes has come to say Merry Christmas in their way

A sigh for you, my friend

May you carry it off somewhere to join your rage

I am tired

I am alone and I have so many regrets just

Just piled under the tree