Elucidating Questions

I can’t run away from the very real fear

That I’m just dying

And this is the end of my life

It feels like it

My body doesn’t do what it used to

These past few weeks I’ve barely been conscious

I ask

Is this life?

Or is it death in slow motion?

And my fear

It grips me

I suggest at least three shocks of existential terror a day

And I breathe through it

But at the back of my mind I wonder how many breaths I have left

And I’m all alone besides my helpless animals who couldn’t do anything if something went wrong

Sometimes waking up in the morning feels like a miracle

I get bizarre symptoms

Like the other night I’d get these waves of pressure in my head and then I’d feel really woozy

And then you play do I go to the hospital or is this just another thing

And I want to know if I’m okay but it’s so obvious I’m not and I don’t know how to fix it

I’m terrified and alone

There’s no one who sees those moments and tells me I’m okay

I claw myself out of them

Afraid of drowning in the dread

And people look at me like I’m a hypochondriac

My question is do regular people get pressure building in their head that becomes dizziness/confusion/uncomfortable feelings?

All this other stuff I experience

Is this all normal?

Profound exhaustion

I feel like I haven’t slept in days

Yet I go to bed

That nap I took from 10 to 12:30 was the best sleep I’ve had in weeks and it wasn’t enough

Why is nothing ever enough?

How to quell the fear?

I’m so terrified that I’m slipping away

And it feels like no matter how much fight I put out this disease has the upper hand

In so many areas of my life I’m putting in my all and getting back nothing

There comes a point where when you hear the words “hard work” you just see red

Because everyone is assuming the reason you don’t get much out of life is that you’re not working hard enough

I’m being swallowed alive by this disease

How do I make my brain sleep?

28 events an hour of my brain just waking up

I could sleep forever and never feel awake again

And I’m afraid

Because I need to be capable of working the minimum that I do

And I need to be able to handle things on my own without assistance

And like 60% of the year I can’t

I wish I could transform into a well me

But the well is always a well

That’s not me

Wouldn’t it be lovely to be awake?

The last time I felt awake I was psychotic

Maybe well is something saved for a me who can’t feel anything but insanity

Is there a place for Sleeping Beauty on this planet?

Eh,

Nix the beauty

I just need sleep

It’s been so far away from me