Elucidating Questions

I can’t give up

I have to keep believing it won’t happen

Have to keep envisioning that place

A place for me

And my companions

Somewhere

An unseen scenery

Some place unknown

Somehow I have to protect this belief from all the doubt and the fear and the reality

That somehow this will go right

This place I’m now dreaming of nightly again

Out the back deck door

Take off and fly

So afraid of what I need

Because needs are things other people have

Not me

Not me

And maybe I was on to something

With all my insanity intact

That these types of diseases are a sickness of the soul not having its needs fulfilled

Shoddy science, but I’ll take it because now there’s studies implying the same thing with fancier words

My strange knowings

How do I imagine a place I’ve never seen, I wonder?

See, all my life, I had this wild and vivid imagination

I’d be told about x and I’d imagine x and then x would happen and I’d be left with that bitter taste of reality

Reality is so

Colourless

Sometimes

I prefer the mind of wonder that came up with those imaginings

Because now I’d dare not

I’ve spent my life accepting things as they are regardless of how I wanted them to go

Plans don’t work

Reality eats plans for breakfast

I feel like anything I imagine will be ruined

I almost prefer the part before you know anything

When all those imaginings are alive

Imagine it was as important as existing

That existence was sacred

Maybe I did overlook something fatal for me

There’s nothing but to continue

Is there?

I’m aware

Of the problem

I’m stuck here

Some days I don’t know if suicide is sad or brave

Putting your foot down in the most clear way

Of course

They’re so many people who hate themselves

It’s hardly a protest at most times

It distorts in front of me

Mine and others’

If their’s is a tragedy

Why does mine look required?

I won’t let it be the end of me

If anything I have to harden

The thoughts of the past can’t scream here

It may be the single biggest put aside of my feelings in my lifetime

Do you truly believe?

Can’t hold on to yourself long enough to explain how

I’m sure it’s but a moment

Up and down

So tired we are

I have to just be okay again

I suppose if I die between now and then I’ll know it wasn’t going to go well

Or maybe I just didn’t believe enough for the both of us