Elucidating Questions

I’m terrified

My father asked me to move in with him

Besides the fact that I am unsuited to an environment where I’d be living with my brothers and my father

My father who I still have nightmares about

My father who chased me down the stairs as a kid

My father who told me all my friends would get tired of me and leave

And was right

No, the life I imagined for him, as a teen fresh out of that house of filth and abuse

Became the life I lived instead

Almost a decade living like this

And now I have to throw in the towel and say well dad you left me with PTSD and untold numbers of trauma experiences

But, yeah, I’ll move in with you dad

Hermes I liked that one

She wanted to buy my mascots but she was sweet

Sometimes you send me good things

But you can’t expect me to be okay when all my freedom is about to be taken away

I’ve joined the I didn’t see it didn’t hear it crowd when it comes to shop lifting

I used to take it personally when people stole from my stores

Now I’m like

Do it

Work is easy in comparison to the torment I’ve been under a la my brain

Posing situation after situation of me living in that house with my father

It shouldn’t be an option

It shouldn’t have to be

My inability to fly

Disabled people should be taken care of

My dream of a little house where I live with my live in cook and cleaner

That’s not what I’m expecting

But at least enough to pay rent

Not a shelter portion of the disability benefits being $450

When rent in this city is $2200

You can’t find a room for that much

$450

And why should I have to give up every piece of furniture I’ve scraped together over these last 10 years?

My animals?

My space?

Because I’m disabled and thus not even worth housing?

Well it doesn’t contribute 40 hours a week to our society so housing it is too much trouble.

Me being the it

I spent half an hour staring at my stars last night

Realising that I’ll be moved into a city probably

They’re going to be drowned in the light of it

Will Jupiter still punch that hole throw the atmosphere when I see him?

Will Saturn, right by when I needed him most, but now moving away again until after I’m gone

Will he be visible there?

Why is everything

Everything

I built being taken away from me?

You’d have me back in that house

When I only ever dream of flying away from it?

I didn’t reclaim my house in Sooke

I visited it for a bit

Am I to somehow reclaim this house while my father is still living in it?

I’ve been stuck in the gravity of this black hole

Parts of me being pulled away

I had foolishly convinced myself I had gotten out of its grip enough that I could still survive

Just that

Just survive

And a fool I was

Will it consume me?

What will be left?

How do I escape this?

I thought you were the way out

What do I do now?