Elucidating Questions

Love will fix it!

Except not at all

Thanks for shutting me up I guess

I love you

Like a knife

Like here’s some emotion that I claim to feel for you that’s totally going to help with me being destitute and unable to afford food and clothing and pain management

It’s like “I’m sorry”

The cop-outiest of cop outs

Oh you’re sorry, I guess my sister didn’t die then and everything is fine

Oh you’re sorry, I guess I’m not hungry

Meaningless words

What does it mean to be loved?

My definition is clearly different from everyone else’s

How you all sit by and watch this happen and pepper me with your “I’m sorry”s and “I love you”s like they fix anything

It’s not even a bandaid

It’s code for this conversation is over and I’m done talking to you

While you have big fancy dinners and outings with friends and I sit here and rot and eat microwave crap

It’s meaningless

I love you means nothing

I’m sorry means nothing

So here I sit with my collection of nothing words

Are they supposed to make up for anything?

What’s the point of saying them when you have no intention of doing anything?

Oh I’ll just pay for clothing with I’m sorrys

I’m sure love will pay for food too

Love doesn’t mean anything

All these stupid love songs don’t mean anything to the people who wrote them anymore

Just words in time

I don’t know what the point of anything is

I work only to not be able to afford

Not even what I want, but what I need

Hours of my life wasted with people who can’t read price tags

Common people

As fascinating as they are

Are fucking mind numbing

And my stutter and aphasia make me sound dumber than I am, but I’m screaming on the inside at people who can’t figure out that 42.00 half price is 21. And argue about it

No, apparently the literal staff discount isn’t good enough for people, nope

Meanwhile I work there and can’t afford the clothes

Ah, the pyramid I’m at the bottom of

Had to listen to my father going on about how his son doesn’t talk to him and he doesn’t know why and he’s so innocent and just giving him the space he needs

While I know he’s a terrible person and I tried to cut him out but circumstances ruined it

I wish I’d never taken that money and just continued to suffer

I probably would have finally killed myself

Fucking finally

Everyone is waiting

Only Jesus knows why I haven’t had a gun anywhere near me so I can just do it

I read about it, all the ways I could kill myself and what would happen

Call me a coward but I’m already suffering and the idea of then spending any amount of time experiencing all the suffering I have left to experience in one go is just not

It’s not it okay

Hell I saw something from a dude who tried to shoot himself in the face and fucking failed

The description of how it felt

Why?

Why is my only way out to do through more suffering?

Why don’t I get to find peace before erasing myself from history?

It’s suffering one way or the other

That’s it, that’s my choice

I remember the bad feeling in my overdose dream

The worst feeling I’ve ever experienced

Pain, despair, horror

I’m terrified of that feeling

Am I torturing myself?

By living?

I hate this place

I want to go home