Elucidating Questions

I’m supposed to read one of my poems aloud

I want to

But the day slipped away

Maybe I’ll just hum Inu Yasha themes into Tik Tok

I am afraid to put my voice out there

Even in private conversation with people I know and trust I don’t feel comfortable doing vocal interaction online

Who knows why this is

Maybe it’s just a general distrust

I rarely make videos with me talking and when I do I’m nervous as hell

I hate my voice

I imagine it to be grating on other people

The couple videos I did singing were supposed to be something but they never were

There’s videos of me singing random Japanese songs on YouTube somewhere I’m sure

I used to be much for open with it

I don’t know what I’m hung up on

It would only take a second but apparently my executive disfunction has picked this

What would it mean to read it out how it was mean to be heard?

My bouncing from subject to subject

Ever trapped in intertextuality

It’s hard to believe that this trove of words has any worth

I wrote it

And its initial intented recipient never even read a word

How can there be value where he found none?

The hummingbird wants to know why I place worth in what he finds value in

It’s a fair question

I don’t know the answer

When the question is asked

As it is I turn back

Just for a moment

But it’s short lived, isn’t it?

A glance and then it slips back into place

Can I leave bare the intended reading?

Seeking solace in devices as usual

I don’t know if my voice is worthy of being heard

It hardly is ever heard

Isn’t that by design?

Shouldn’t I be silent in my corner?

Never growing out into their precious space

All the space around me

In this form I don’t fit within

Is this the place I’m meant to be?

Well, I suppose not, I’m moving in 4 months and 2 weeks.

I should start packing but I’m paralyzed by fear

I don’t know

I should do it

Read the poem

What else is my useless Instagram for?

I need to find ways to be accessible

Unfortunately poetry is the nichest thing I could have picked

But what would be the video?

Not me

God no

Perish the thought

And I don’t have much to film

Take video of

I have nothing to 撃う

I picked that kanji by reading not the actual kanji but the vibe of it

God I’m strange

I want to be fascinating

It just ended up happening in a weird way

Okay

I will make the video

I will

Just not today

I’m always missing the timing of my crash from work

I’m exhausted even though I slept

How does one create the future?

I imagine a world where everyone eats

Sleeps somewhere warm

Gets to indulge in activities that fascinate them

Where everyone contributes what they can and not what is demanded of them

But reality doesn’t look anything like that

I’ll try

I just have to get over myself first