Elucidating Questions

Scraping together what I can this week

The weed story will be much the same

But at least I’ll have nicotine

I wish this upcoming so called disabled people uplifting benefit was $2000 a month

Not a year.

Oh yeah I’m just going to save those $200 allotments

That’s possible

I’m not sure how I’m going to fair

This promise of continued struggle just makes me want to run away

I wish I could run away from my disease

Maybe I’m being spared from something

But the hours, days, weeks, months, I have spent alone

Have simply prepared me to want to give up

I miss mostly well me

Lonely as hell

But entertained, drugged appropriately, and fed

That was nice

I’m an idiot

But at least I can say I had a nice time again before I die

That’s not happening again any time soon

It’s not like I can’t understand, other than in my worst moments, why no one is rushing in to help

I would help me, but I would help everyone, and I’m not a good benchmark

Why anyone has to live like this I’ll never know

I’ll never understand it

The fact that most people on this planet are worse off than me just

It shouldn’t be this way

I’m so stuck

I need an income

I can’t make the income I need

So, like, what?

I’m not finding a partner. I can’t offer sex, and most people don’t like that

Some person who doesn’t want to live with me officially, because I may lose my benefits, and will never be able to marry me, similarly so, who doesn’t want sex, or place expectations on me I’ll never meet until they slowly fade into obscurity like everyone else

Yeah right

I don’t know

I dream of a way out because I can’t actually find my way out

There aren’t chances all over town

Only for those with connections

I don’t know if I want to be here for the next four years

It’s really hard right now

I feel like every time I think I’ve found the darkest my life will go it gets darker

And suddenly I’m craving the light of suffering to the lesser degree

I need like $100 to just show up

Why does it always feel like that amount no matter how much I make except for on my PWD days.

I’m so lost

Like I’m awful with money, I know this

All my life I’ve never saved a cent.

I’ve done dumb, desperate things, to try to get money

I hate money, but the original capitalistic need to have money got to me initially

Now it’s actual need most of the time

Last April to June was just me breaking

This life isn’t sustainable

If I don’t have entertainment I go insane

Sorry

And entertainment isn’t like needing to play games or watch TV all the time, I’d crochet and make things, do things

Probably try a lot more things

Be able to get access to materials that don’t hurt my hands so I could wrap stones more easily

Just things that make time go by if I can’t interact with any person in person

Everything is digital

I hate it

So much shit all the time

I want a simpler life that doesn’t involve being hungry all the time or being bored and alone out of my skull