Elucidating Questions

I say I need a friend

But that friend would have to listen to me suffer instead

And people don’t like listening about how others are suffering

They don’t want to do anything about it

And they don’t want to hear about it

The way all people move away emotionally

I kept myself busy with money for two months

But I was still alone

It’s funny

Suffering alone is hard

But no one wants to hear about how anyone is suffering

I’ll come over and sit with you so even though you’re hungry and uncomfortable you’ll have someone around

If someone would just watch stupid anime with me

Maybe suffering would be easier if I had someone with me?

I don’t know

Imagining some new start somewhere

Naive

Likely I’ll become trapped

And more alone than ever

I’m grateful for my animals and I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for needing human relationships as well as animal ones

And yet here I am about to have their absence smashed against my face

This universe makes me feel like it’s my fault

Like I wasn’t somehow grateful enough or didn’t appreciate them enough

Now it’s punishing me

For wanting anything else

Up and up

Down and down

Even if I had saved the money it wouldn’t matter now

I’d just have food

And, of course, it’s not like I’m going to spend a huge amount of money and then expect people to bail me out

I’ll flounder here for months if I have to

I’ll suffer all I have to

My crime for living above my lot in life

You can think it’s my own fault with me

Even though I wouldn’t do that to someone else

I just don’t want to be alone

And money didn’t fix that

Money doesn’t fix that