Elucidating Questions

My manager who was giving me grief the other day has settled on being just rude, but whatever

The manager who spoke with me and fixed a bunch of stuff said she talked with her and it’s done and that’s all that matters

I don’t treat people how I feel about them usually

They have to do something to break my mask

The returns situation is just insane

I’m getting to the point that I hate returns again

They’re just constant and in the hundreds

The pile slowly growing around me

I can take rudeness

I can take the managers making announcements when I’m in the middle of dealing with customers and then giving me attitude when I didn’t hear them

I can take attitude

It was the implying that I didn’t work that broke me initially Monday

Having to keep dealing with customers while I was so fucking angry inside

Shit’s hit the fan so the one with a mouth on them is awake

I’m mild

Just, we are, generally

The swearing spitting thing doesn’t usually happen unless we’ve been pushed

And, probably? She, my manager, was surprised to meet a different me when she called me aside

I’m not me right now

There’s too much going on for me to be me

And, I feel them stir.

Throughout the day, beauty, empathy, things that make me, me

But I’m so not me

I’m so far out of sorts I don’t even know where sorts is

And there’s no one coming to save me from this life

This is it

We sing cute little love songs while stinging on the inside because they aren’t about us

They’re for someone else to relate to

I was expecting a savior

Except there isn’t one

Not in my story

So I have to start standing up for myself

And that’s probably going to get me in a lot of trouble

Because when you’re first learning to do something you don’t often think about when you’re supposed to do it and when not

You’re just trying to do it

I don’t know what I’m going to do

And, there is always someone

Someone who is one my side

Usually they’re unable to help in all the aspects I need

Thank god for my one manager

Who dresses like a freaking Queen and fills the role.

Amazing

But she’s so kind

At least I don’t have to be alone at work again without an ally

She gets my pronouns right and it makes me so happy

Just a sweet gal

She deserves the world

So many amazing people caught in this awful profession

I’m grateful for the allies I’ve had over the years

Is it fair to say it’s just not enough?

I wish I had someone I could talk to that isn’t my therapist

Exhausted

And not myself

Well I’m myself but I’m not the self that usually would be my self right now

It feels weird to be the calm one

We can’t afford to be emotional right now

It’s self preservation time