Elucidating Questions

Life is just too real right now

On Monday my manager called me out in front of all my coworkers stating basically I don’t work

I was with a customer, with a line up, and she started telling me to go clean the cash lanes

I had literal piles of clothes all around me because they weren’t taking clothes back all day and we had like 80% of our transactions were returns

I’m still supposed to sort all the online returns, so I have a pile of store returns, two piles of online returns, I have been trying to get them to give me super cash for hours I had to beg someone to put the bags up because it was so busy

I said to her, I’m really busy here, and I’m supposed to be seated for the last half of my shift at least

She says

Well something is better than nothing

This was all over walkie, so the customer didn’t hear it, but every employee on walkie heard it and I was livid

I said

I’ll make sure not to do nothing then

At the end of my shift the same manager calls me aside with another manager as her like moral support she says

I didn’t like your attitude over walkie

I said so you’re allowed to imply I’m not working but I can’t get upset about that?

She said I just don’t like your attitude

I said I’m supposed to be seated for the last half of my shift anyways

She said there’s no documentation saying you need to sit

Mind, I have paid now, over $100 to prove to these people I need to be accommodated

$53 for the initial note to be filled out

Another 50 something for the form they requested months later because the note wasn’t enough

And she just completely denied, to my face, straight faced, that any documents existed

I started panicking

People denying things I know to be true is a huge trigger for me

My dad used to do it

My ex used to do it

I came into adulthood fully convinced my side of the story could never be trusted

I said to her I just won’t be disabled then, have a nice day, and did my version of running to the back to collapse in anger and tears because I just didn’t know what to do at that point

Whomever timed it that the only decent manager left was the one I ran into in the back as I came to demand where the forms were while still in full blown panic mode

Thanks I guess that Happenstance thing

I don’t know what my other manager told her after I told my version that was probably incredibly fragmented

I don’t remember much

The witch is gone

At some point in the tumble of things that came out I mentioned her and my wonderful manager told me she was gone

I’m getting my hours back

I hope I’m still welcome at work

I know I stormed off but they were telling me to be quiet and I’d just gone past the point in my anxiety levels where quiet was an option

I know people think storming off is a childish thing to do but I was so fucking triggered

Like deeply

I’m still like

Anxiously in my head going over what could happen

I’m scared

Three ways

I’m terrified of looking for something else and getting sent up island somewhere

I’m terrified of my job, I’m terrified of my bank account, I’m terrified of my future living arrangements

And you know what?

Thank god I spent all that money because at least I have something to do?

I’m trying to coast right now

Not feel anything

I’m so exhausted from feeling

I am so afraid of the future right now

I want to run away

I always face everything alone with some people adjacently affected by it

But I’m still alone

I don’t know what to do

I don’t have any choices

Everytime I start to feel like the world is something I can take on it reminds me it’s not

Why do psychopaths soar to great new heights?

While I sink?