Elucidating Questions

I made it 2 hours

2 hours of hell

Children screaming in my face

$300 orders

$200 orders of entirely clearance stuff so it was like 30 items

I prayed today would be easy so I could just middle through

You can’t say to a customer “I have sensory issues and your child is one of them”

You can’t say

Can you wait for another cashier? I can’t handle your load of items.

There, Papa

You’re so funny

$2 is not the same as it was when you were alive

But there’s no other reason for a random toonie to show up right when the poppies came out

You knew I was having my feelings

About military, about what governments do to children

There’s too much that poppies represent

If they were only for vets I’d wear it

But there’s this whole aspect of the assumption that you agree with how the military works, what it’s doing, and how it’s still chewing up and then spewing out broken children

Literal or psychological

You were a child

God

It never gripped me until I was older than the pictures of the soldiers

Those are fucking boys

That they sent over seas to die

Babies

Thank you for coopting this

I was always so staunchly pro Remembrance Day

But the military is evil

It just is

Collecting children to fight against other groups of people is evil

Like, fuck, they taught that the Crusades were wrong

Knowing we as children had no scope on how young a 19 year old is

We were like omg like us children?

I’ve had signs

The veil is thin after all

It’s time for all the before people to come and meddle and do things

But a whole toonie appearing in my walker’s basket?

I’m sick so it took me a minute

Why’s there a toonie here?

Papa, I’m in an impossible situation

And I don’t know why I feel selfish for wanting, just, not to live in the shadow of homelessness all the time

I don’t want large amounts of money to be thrown at me

I have tested bad at that over and over again

I want enough money, regularly

And yes I did give away money when I need money

It wasn’t for me

I don’t fucking see its value

Money is better when it’s enough

Enough means I can save a little bit of it without having things pop up that eat it away

So I can do nice things for myself

Right now I just get so caught up in doing nice things because I know it’ll be gone and then I fuck myself and it’s gone

Dear Universe, please stop trying that it doesn’t work

I get better at things I get practice with

It’s like if I don’t get what I want now, I may never have the chance again

Because, seriously? When is that going to happen again?

So many missteps

Money is my downfall

I’d rather just not have it

But then I die

Humanity did this and maintained it for hundreds of years

So if I’m the problem

How do I fix it?

Right? Because if humanity has been fine thus far it must be me?

I do what I’m told when I can do it Papa

My body has taken so much from me

Yeah, I could be a paralyzed person

But then people would hopefully take care of me

God I say hopefully

I’d definitely be one of the ones people just decide to leave to die

They haven’t shown any concern thus far

Just take this money

Shut up

That was never really filling the need

Sure I needed it

But it’s always to shut me up

Never offering if they can come over for a bit and help me getting things done

It’s impossible

Everyone eventually hates me

Usually over money

I don’t know how to fix it

Either I’m boring and they take no interest

Or listening to me suffer is too hard on them and they distance themselves

Or money

I don’t even remember how much I owed the Queen of Hearts

Eh

Children join the military for the same reasons

Money

I hate it

I’m already freaking out over whether I’ll be able to afford food on Wednesday

Almost certainly not affording weed

No pain no gain right?

I wonder what I’ve gained

Envisioning impossibilities

I’m so hungry suddenly

Can’t afford getting food right now

I have to try not to fall asleep

I want something to be right with my body for a change

I know it wasn’t much, that $2

But I hope it helps fund something meaningful for veterans

I want to go home but my bus isn’t until 2:20

Even if I go home early it’s just to sit outside and wait for the bus

I’m so exhausted

Hungry and exhausted

I fed myself at 10 last night because I was randomly hungry

I need to stop being hungry

I need to stop being human

It’s not working, it’s not what society demands of me

I don’t know how to reply to what my mum just sent me

I failed to make it through another day of work

Did not meet expectations

I’m so sick of telling people I didn’t meet their expectations

I’m so sick of not meeting expectations

Mine?

I gave up having them when no matter what I did I couldn’t meet them

Mine were higher

Mine were so much higher

What do you expect of me?

Have I been

Have I been failing you too?

I feel trapped

I want to get out