Elucidating Questions

I want to be one of the pretty people for a day

Now I’m not one of those people who think

No one likes me because I’m ugly

But people, I have observed, gravitate towards pretty people

Lift them up on pedestals they can’t live up to but somehow don’t have to because they’re pretty

Being ugly hasn’t exactly served me well

And I carelessly exist

So people think when bad things happen I wanted them that way

Or I was planning it

Never have so much as a plan for myself in my head

Wait,

It said

They said

I suppose they need to materialise it

But no one really wants me as the face of anything

People think I’m pleasant and that’s all there is to me

Nevermind this fifth dimension inside me that threatens to spill out

I’m either just a nice person who everyone forgets or I’m some mastermind who orchestrated something or another

It’s hard to explain to people that I’m not thoughtless I’m just devoid of the thoughts I had previously

They’re gone

Stuff I did?

Gone

And I never have I’ll intentions and yet they always seem to overlap and become one big ill intention in the eye of others

It’s not that I’m too simple to have a plan it’s that I made it and then lost it somewhere in here

There is a small part of me that thinks if I was pretty I wouldn’t get in trouble so often

That people might assume the best instead of the worst

And I’m still caught up on things that almost happened a decade ago and I bet I’m nothing but an unwelcome reminder every once in a while to them

Stuck on those three or four years where everything just went to shit

It was like oh my god I’m so glad you got to go to Japan get ready for hell!

People insist I made it this way

But it’s not like any of the people I’ve ever met are blowing up my inbox

It’s empty

I don’t know how to feel or think about how to one ever calls out to me

That one girl, bless her wonderful soul, I hope she’s doing well

I didn’t get to meet her much but she did

声をかける

My soul yearns for that again

Being noticed

I know my novelty quickly faded and no one really took interest

But I felt seen there

No I can’t remember names

I can’t remember names from last year let alone years ago

If I was prettier would I be living a different life?

Would someone have trained my voice and taken notice that I just want to be on stage?

It’s too late now

I’d need Gaga wealth to survive my life and be a singer now

It’s funny Arcturus was out for all of them minutes

I said goodbye and then the clouds came

Funny timing

Like he just came out for that

Maybe I feel noticed by the stars and the Sun because I don’t feel noticed by people?

Even when animals notice me I get surprised for a moment

I want to live in a place where people notice eachother

With respect

Where we honour eachother

I wish beauty didn’t exist

I wish that we sought out connection because other people fascinated us like they used to fascinate me

But not for their looks

That things about them fascinated others

Maybe I’m just a rock in a sea of crystals

Maybe I am just white rice

Hermes stop playing with that damned thing and come bother me

Give me the energy to keep facing tomorrows where no one notices me

Now the rain is falling again

This weather is as fickle as the human eye