Elucidating Questions

Almost missed today

But I have to write something or I’ll be disappointed later

I only managed to stop my heart rate from spiking above 110 when I stand up about halfway through the day

I feel weak and defeated

I wish I could summon the power to just be well

Just do it, like people keep telling me to

This probably isn’t going to be very long

I’m exhausted having done nothing today

Barely lifting my head to play games most of the day

At least I got back to the point that I can play games to make the hours go by

Not just lying there begging to either be asleep or awake

Pick a lane body

Barely conscious

Just conscious enough to hear my brain playing the top fifty thoughts that will upset me

Rushing at miles an hours because my mind is awake

And my body is not

And they act like I enjoy this

Like I’m missing days at work for some kind of vacation I’m on

Pain isn’t even the problem this time

It’s my literal heart

I’m not making this up, I have Fitbit heartrate data to prove it

I’ve had multiple people working with ECG machines tell me they’re accurate 98% of the time or some other ridiculous number you wouldn’t except from a fucking watch

People told me I was right to go to the doctor after noticing the high rates on my Fitbit to begin with

I keep mine updated because I need the heart rate monitor

No one considers how fucked it is that I just sit here alone watching it going up terrified that this will be the time it fucking breaks for real

Knowing I’ll just die and no one will notice for weeks

What that does to my head?

But, no, I had a relaxing day off

I’m sure anyone watching would think so

It’s so wrong that there are humans on this Earth dying all alone

That I’m not the only one going through this right now

Not alone in being alone

Heh

Gross

Nah that’s it.

I don’t have anything else in me right now

The situation I’m in is unacceptable

But there are so many people, animals, creatures, in unacceptable situations right now

The Rain begins to fall

Maybe she cries for the fact that I know my death will be meaningless

That I’ve come to fear it as much as living