Elucidating Questions

I’m at a loss

I need hours

But I’m too sick to even make the hours I’m scheduled for because I’m so stressed that it’s making me sick

Because I don’t have hours

And it’s been months

And the situation at work just gets worse

And I don’t want to fail them

Like I’m not deliberately calling in sick to harm them

If I could choose to feel better I would

And I was fine today until that ambulance went by and then I was just fucked

My heart rate has been no lower than 98 and as high as 135 sitting down

And if I’ve got it down at 98 standing up sends it back up to 125

What even is that?

Like fuck maybe people do just die of hearing loud noises?

I cannot express how dismayed and upset I am right now

Needing to call in sick the week after I’ve been told not to call in sick anymore

I’m not sure what’s not valid about “I’m afraid my heart is going to explode”

But I’m sure I’ll find out tomorrow morning

I have to call tomorrow morning too

I’ll never know why typing is easy

Well, I do use swipe fairly often these days

I’m so terrified of my heart

Being what this disease decides is going to kill me

I know if I don’t kill me it will

It’s creeping in slowly

Each time I go down I get back up a little less easily

Physically

Mentally I’m still here and kicking most of the time

But physically I’m losing

I’m losing and I’m terrified

If I had any control over my life

I’d find someone who can support me and stop working and just never get married or move in together because disabled people can’t get married without losing their benefits

And we’d just do stuff together

And then I wouldn’t be alone and buying things to fill the silence

Foolish

Ever the fool

I’m not a bad person

I’m a reckless person

Because I’m going insane with boredom

I just want to see that number go below 95

There, it did, for a second

I’m not dying right?

Please don’t turn me into another statistic of deaths caused by corporate greed

I just want to be healthy

What does that even mean, I wonder?

Something far off and unattainable

Another night in bed by 9

I’m so exhausted

I just want to go back to being able to work full time