Elucidating Questions

I can’t just say I enjoyed myself for a bit

Responsibility and need

It was a short vacation that I needed

That I was going insane

That I just needed a moment of freedom from all these chains

There were still chains

I just didn’t have to suffer in loneliness for a few weeks

That was nice

Selfish, certainly

But my most selfish is wanting my needs to be met

And enjoy life a bit

Life has no joy, for me

I got to experience joy for a bit

Wasn’t responsible

But I was doing things that weren’t smart before hand because I was losing my mind all alone

I finally got to take care of that part of me that was slowly going more and more insane with silence and boredom

I feel a lot less out of control of myself

Miserable, but I’m not going to do something stupid and not be able to pay rent

It probably won’t happen again

I really just wanted to go to Japan, but I didn’t do that

I guess it’s just going to go back to normal

Everything

My mum is going to hate me

No one can ever understand how profoundly damaging living like this has been for me

I felt alive

For a short moment

I bought feeling alive

I bought living an actual life

I bought being included

And it may be unforgivable

But I needed it

I’m miserable and suffering right now, and I probably deserve it,

But it makes me just a bit less upset when I look back in time and see a me who was just enjoying life for a little while

Not chained down by not being able to afford anything

I bought my piggies veggies whenever they needed them

I wish I could undo people hating me for this

That they’d understand how much I’ve been suffering and how desperate I was for a break from it

So, I guess, we’ll be navigating the world on $200 pay cheques

I wouldn’t dream of asking for help when I dared enjoy myself

If I hadn’t enjoyed myself I’d be miserable but I’d still have money

I don’t know whether the trade off was worth it

Not being miserable for a few weeks

Whether it’s worth having my mum talk to me like that

Like she’d rather I lie and suffer silently than be honest that I needed that

That that was the only vacation I’m ever going to have in the rest of my life

Money doesn’t have value to me

It’s just numbers

All it does is allow me to live when I have it and prevent me from living when I don’t

I have no grasp on how much money is worth

The things I want have worth, the money doesn’t

And if I hadn’t had to take my guinea pig to the vet and subsequently had her PTS, I’d have been fine without my mum ever knowing

But circumstances

Fucking circumstances

Do I feel ashamed for not just sitting here, rotting, while the money sat in my bank account?

Was I supposed to live the same way I had been? Except with money?

All alone and bored as hell, but my money will keep me warm

Fuck

I can’t begrudge myself trying to enjoy life for once

No one will ever know

And now I’m back to sitting here without what I need

Surrounded by devices I can’t play with because I’m feeling too sick

And I’m just as alone as when I started

Yeah this sounds about right

I’m defiant, but I probably deserve it

It just hurts that I have to feel ashamed of having lived comfortably and enjoyed myself for a moment in my life that will never come again

That I instead should have just kept suffering but with money

I wish I had my peace back

I hate the poor people calculation train of thought that just doesn’t go anywhere

Constantly making calculations with nonexistent funds

This is just another day of many in my life when I am meant to suffer alone

I’m going to pretend everything is okay until I either die from not being able to afford food or die from pushing my body too hard

Either way everyone else wins

All that matters is how everyone else feels